The Secret Diary of my second life | part II


I sat here and started at an empty page for a good amount of time, trying to think of a confession to type up that do not involve you or that do not will hurt anyone else more than I’ve done.
And I will start with the fact that I couldn’t come up with anything…
I should deal with my silence, with my abstinence of you, with my fear to be all alone.
But I can’t and I hate to admit it!
I still think about you a lot, and I have no clue why!
Well, thinking better, I will allow myself to suppose the damn reason why…
It could be perhaps because I knew that we wasn’t meant to be,
Or because you don’t want me anymore.
Or ok, it’s perhaps because now I know deep inside how much I still hurt someone else with all this shit and I feel so sorry for him, at the same way as I feel so sorry for myself but especially for you as it was that kind of thing I couldn’t control at first.
[In fact I've never wanted, to be very honest...]
All this time since the last morning you were here with me I had lots of things that come and still in my mind now, what makes me instantly reminds me of you; and of those three wonderful nights we were together; and about the things I wished have happened between you and I.
Tonight I’m feeling like a bitch and I feel like everybody knows that!
But despite of the fact I have a bf; and despite the fact things I usually do isn’t so ‘right’ but not so certain ‘wrong too’ I keep going…
Well, I from tomorrow I will try to be the same I always was and do once again my best without the fear to be ‘ME’.
Whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore.
You has changed my life even being here with me just for a single while;
You changed me even without realize the power you had over me!
I wished you didn’t take advantage of everything, and I wished things were different now and ever.
Half of me will always wished have never met you and the other fifty percent is really glad to and will never forget you.
I’m splited as always, since I knew that I want all the time much more than I can take for myself.
Life isn’t so unfair at the end, the main problem is my excess of everything!
I wasn’t 100% honest at first and I wasn’t totally loyal with the one who seems to really love me, but I’m proud of my person to have had always the courage of telling the half of truth I can say to everybody.
From tonight to forever I’ve realized, I cannot have you to call ‘mine'; you always knew that I could never be only ‘yours’ more than I was. And we never have promise to each other impossible things and although I failed foresmost with myself since I still with my thoughts on you; keeping your taste in my mouth; your funny and good smell under my skin and it doesn’t help me to move forward and get back to my way because I’m not with you but you are all the time with me…
I hate myself but I will respect your decision even if it kills me a bit, I will do that also for the others happiness.
I’m reapeating to me “it will be simple, if you don’t want me anymore I cannot want you to want me too”…
One thing I have and I’m totally aware of, and it calls self-respect.
Good luck with everything because even if we don’t talk or want to see me never again, I know that you was really special into my weird way to living my life and deep inside of me…

Well, I always knew that you could never be more than just a few amazing nights.
Thanks Ale anyway for messing up my life and my bed with me!
.

I'll miss his green eyes, and funny smell and the way he talked with me... but now the thing I most miss is the girl I used to be before have met him.

.

#15/07 we first meet, you smiled at me and I could not believe you were there for me.
#19/07 you called me around midnight and came to my place, it was the first time we were together for a long period and I could watching you during all night while you were sleeping close to me. You kissed my nose and I ‘fell’ for you…
#23/07 you make me fool but I pretended I was ‘okay’, I waited for you for hours and you even cared.
#25/07 I made a wish for the Universe: you!
#28/07 you called me at 4h39am you couldn’t sleep alone, you were needing me and I said ‘come, I need you too’ and I have no regrets for all the things we did.
#01/08 I broke the rules and I sent you a message then you called me and I heared your voice…I didn’t knew yet it was the last time.
#07/08 the day I’ve decided to get up & go. From now I must to start definitly try to forget you forever, will be better for everybody!

Long hello, short goodbye I should know and from now I don’t need to cry for you anymore. In somehow you helped me to be even more stronger and sweet…

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3 Responses to “The Secret Diary of my second life | part II”

  1. Greg Baker Says:

    There is not much else I can say, or want to say. But like you, i need to write down my thoughts.
    You cheated on me, you lied, you made me feel terrible and worthless, but then you told me the ‘majority’ of what happens and asked me to ‘deal with it’. I’m trying to deal with it now.
    You know my history/past, but you cheated anyway. You knew the one thing that I was afraid of, and you went and did it.
    Anyway, I know most of the reasons and I am getting past all of this…just don’t repeat your mistakes again. I won’t give you another chance to make me feel like this!

    • Carol Vallu Says:

      Right, everbody is free to express itself.
      This was the reason why I’ve allowed comments in here!
      But just to be very clear, if just a few nights and hugs and kisses and feel ‘loved’ was for you to be cheated at same, maybe next time I will do from 0 to 10 and more because it will looks more ‘advantageous’ to me as the guilty of the situation! So at least I will allow myself to really enjoy this mess instead of care about all the others! And please dont pretend you don’t know ‘why’ those things happened, you know how I feel myself alone at times, you know about all my problems since the first time and you know very well the ‘power’ I have with people; so please make your choice: 1) let’s just grow up and move further or 2) we can just break up with a bit of respect to ourselves…what might hurt but we will survive. I’m not requesting you to forgive me, in fact I never demanded from you anything else more than what you wanted to give me… I was honest with you all the time, recognize that, please! For this not happen again, do/be for me what I thought I was for you, show me that make me feel alive!
      And thats all…I will keep in my road, if you want to follow me be my guest, otherwise I will not change myself for nobody and this is not about ‘love’ it is about way of LIFE!
      Once again I’m not cruel, I’m just telling you the truth!

      Xxxx

  2. Greg Baker Says:

    I know exactly ‘why’ this happened and this is why I am moving on and forgiving you (and I know you did not ask me to), we have spoken a lot about it over the last few weeks, so I understand more now. I just need to know how to prevent it happening again.
    Please yes grow up (both of us), have some respect for each other’s feelings and move further on down the road together :)
    xxxx

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