It’s been a bit and I’m sorry for my absence… I missed you too! Well actually I’ve missed lots of things but that’s not an excuse for me being so careless with people I love.
I’m sorry not just about this but also about of my paranoia and all these days wasted on useless thoughts and stupid actions! I should already know that instead of keep things to myself what I need to do is release them, but for some reason seems that I just cannot do this as everybody does and that’s not healthy and it’s so annoying…
Honestly I wish I could learn quickly how to deal better with my feelings. But I suppose I need to be more patient knowing up front that it will be a long way, just in case if you’re wonder.
Believe me when I say that more than everyone else I wish I could break through this once for all and just be able to be happy without have to own a reason for. But this is one of my faults that may take more of my attention to be ‘fixed’… There are times that I hate the fact I’m always ‘thinking’ and I hate the way how my thoughts turns suddenly into worries and tears and how I get hurt and end up hurting too and start to feel myself so lost!
Anyway, now is already Monday morning something about 05h00 and I’m feeling a little better now and as I mainly believe, good things were made to be shared I’ve decided to make public one of the messages I got yesterday from a good friend. So I do expect that after all this I can have helped you as well as she did with me.
By the way, thank you so much my dear Alie, not just for being my good friend but also for your lovely words… Never forget how amazing you are!
10 October, at 16h06 she wrote to me:
It made a lot of sense, actually.
I understand what you’re saying, because I do a lot of the same. It can get really painful. And once one thing starts, everything just piles up after it. You interpret something one way, and then from there on out you keep interpretting stuff that way and pretty soon everything is hurting and you’ve convinced yourself that you’re going to get hurt. And it’s scary, because we love so unconditionally that it would be entirely possible for us to get hurt… E.g: I’ll just sit and I listen to music and I listen to everything and it all reminds me of him, and then I’ll worry, and I’ll worry more, and I will have worried so much that by the time we actually DO get to talk, I’ve come up with all these scenarios in my head of how I’m not good enough and how it’s going to end painfully, and then I waste what could have been a nice conversation being paranoid and sad. And I hate it, but it’s unavoidable sometimes.
Like you said, sometimes it’s impossible not to feel that way! Then there are those conversations where you know everything is fine and you feel sorry for ever feeling sad or worrying, but it always comes back when you’re alone again at night. And then you start to feel like you’re the one that cares more. It’s not that they care less, it’s just that you feel that it’s literally all you’re doing and thinking about, and then everything else is passing you by, but not for them. But I think it’s all mental stuff.
Well, I don’t know if any of this helps, but we seem to have some similar thoughts and I thought that maybe you think this way sometimes too and maybe it’s nice to know that you don’t have to be alone in it and that it’s rough but you’ll always have somebody to talk to about it. And yeah, like you said, it’s hard for the risk of getting hurt, but it’s something that has to be accepted for the risk of love. Especially distance love. Aaah distance...
But I can definitely understand why you’re feeling the way you do, though. But stuff will get better, I know it will. And you’re really strong.
And I’m always here to listen.