Day Thirty

Welcome Tuesday, welcome ghosts.
Today was not shining as yesterday a big storm started inside my head and till now I don’t know where I’m going to stop.
Seems that I’m diving, yeah it’s a long fall down but yet it is hard for me to accept that I am not okay.
Days are passing by, faster than before and after all those weeks living together I know exactly what I want, but more than ever everyone is telling me that it’s just a fairy tale…
I shouldn’t be but I am so scared about another test we will have up ahead!
Miles away, tears, time difference, 63 days apart, more tears…
Shit, it’s not fair!!!
Anyway, I hate when people discourage me about my choices, I hate most when I do the same thing with the one I love regarding the future by giving too much attention to what the others are saying.
I hate my vulnerability, I hate when I cannot keep thoughts just to myself and deal with them alone, I hate when I start to worry wondering that I am not good enough for anything or anybody…
I hate when I cannot find a place to fit in, I hate when I don’t know what is worse – my silence or my empty words…
I hate to distrust my feelings, I hate to put him in doubt!
I am really tired – tired of trying, tired of not doing anything. I feel like everyone around me can screw up and that’s OK, but if I screw up, its WW III.
Last night I went to bed crying then I had nightmares which is rare for someone like me that barely sleeps… I dreamt I was looking at the world from the other side of the window and all that I saw was people coming and going, the clouds moving across the sky too fast, ocean waves breaking on the beach, the birds flying in circles up high… I was alone.
I wish I could be a bird, I wish I could fly away, I wish the sky was the limit.
I wish I could be with you forever close to me…

“quero poder cuidar pra sempre”


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