Is there any way to have meaning in your life when you’re disconnected from everyone?
I don’t think so…

Well, I don’t know how common this is, but for me the main problem is that I feel empty and disconnected from everyone and everything most of time.
Yet I force myself to believe that better days are to come as I have a few people out there which I think I care about or vice-versa, though no real bonds with anyone…
Worse yet, this “emptiness” has been a long term pattern in my life. Yes, it’s been going on for enough years that it’s quite possible I will be alone forever because of my self-destructive behavior.
This totally sucks being sort of “perfectly fake” all the time especially when I fail but I don’t know any efficient ways to change what I became.
I’m weak though I pretend I’m not.
I say “yes” when I want to say “no”; I smile while I’m crying inside; I push myself hard to keep going even when I’m completely lost or when I just want to give up; I speak when I should be quiet; I push people away when I most need them; I complain yet I do nothing to change.
I wish I had someone I could be really close to, without fear of getting hurt day after day.
I wish I had someone to truly hand off my feelings without step back instantly, but I guess I’m psychologically fucked up enough that I don’t know how to make this happen…
My life sucks.


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