Today is one of those days where nothing feels right. Where despite I try my best I get nothing in return but coldness.
I feel so worthless, extremely unwell, hopeless and helpless, like I’ve done nothing but disappoint every one around me. I have been hurt from those ones close to the heart… I feel so alone and isolated that I cannot even talk to anyone, because they’re usually are too busy or they’re just getting tired of listening the same bullshit over and over again.
It’s tough to be me…
I’m trying to change things, to change myself but my effort doesn’t seems to be enough. And I just don’t know what else to do or where to go, nor even what to say and I will not deny that thoughts of suicide quite often crossed my mind. I know I shouldn’t put this online but I need help and I cannot keep going this way… Now all seems so meaningless that I’m also losing the feeling of being loved.
I miss my boyfriend and the distance this time is hurting me badly as it’s just not physical… Things has changed so much between us… I feel that I am alone and broken.
I thought people would help, I thought people would wait and care, but waiting is a trap. I though things would turn out differently and I thought events will still recur. But it didn’t as expected and sometimes I have the feeling that they never will… Now the truth is I have no self-esteem, no dreams. And finally I found the guts to publicaly admit:

“I wish I was dead, because I guess I have nothing else to lose…”


2 Responses to “11/11/11”

  1. E-Bike Says:

    Hello! I could have sworn I’ve been to this weblog before but soon after browsing by way of some with the post I realized it is new to me. Anyways, I’m surely pleased I identified it and I’ll be book-marking and checking back regularly! X

    • Carol Vallu Says:

      Hi! I hope you’ve enjoyed the recent posts. And if you have any suggestion pls feel free to let me know. Wishing you happy holidays. Xx

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