The year did not ended yet but I’m already done, actually I’m done with this shit since it started! Let me put things into perspective: 2011 was HELLISH for a lot of reasons, a waste of time and energy and I pray to forget most of my days… but first my year in review:
January: It was from far beyond the most promising month for the entire year! I started 2011 in London watching fireworks at The Weir with my lovely boyfriend. We celebrated the New Year’s Eve among friendly people, was an amazing start! G.N.B. and I were so in love that everyone could easily see it. We took gorgeous photos to never forget that night.
February: After an wonderful Valentine’s Day in London I was forced to handle over my adorable flat in Milan. Consequently I lost 50% of everything I had, including new stylish furniture just bought, MFW with all its clothes and glamour, I also lost clients and friends. I started to face legal issues with my staying in Italy. As a positive sign I’d the opportunity to improve my English while trying to fix my situation from London, living with boyfriend and it was a good trial for what we’d planned for the future. Despite the stress we did great that time.
March: On the 18th I left London flawing back to Brazil after a troubled but extraordinary 7 weeks living with boyfriend and his sister. I got used to have him 24/7 and I loved to know he was looking forward to have us settled down as soon as he bought his own flat. I was hopeful about my future. He was certainly of having me as the one in his life forever and ever. He told me what I needed to hear. I believed.
April: Being an ocean apart is not easy especially having enemies messing around spreading horrible rumours about my person. This was what I had, boyfriend and I falling apart by miles away, new lies almost every day plus hundreds of thousands of spam in our inboxes.
May: On the 20th I left Brazil and I flew back to London for my boyfriend’s birthday and extra weeks together before I go to collect my remaining belongings in Italy. Meanwhile we looked for flats and we went to the country side a few times. I was totally into his family and we did a lot of plans for the future. We forgiven ourselves and got back on track which was fabulous. Happy times.
June: On the 16th I became a nice, although Miguel was a premature babe my sister handle it well, I hated being over sea for the first time in my life. However I spent a fabulous time with the family I’d chose in Macerata-IT. From the 19th Diana, Maurizio e Linda filled in my days with happiness for 3 weeks! I made new friends and I went to the beach almost every day. I couldn’t be happier I was in acceptance with my current situation. Boyfriend travelled over there to visit me for 4 days staying. We argued for silly things…
July: I moved into a lovely new flat in Brentford with boyfriend. All was very exciting and fresh at the beginning but with him working crazy hours and me dedicating 6 days a week studying at home with no one else to talk, or share my doubts inevitably things turned into a hell very quickly. I was needy, he was stressed. Unexpectedly something got broken between us and we start to lose trust and that wonderful bond of being in love.
August: I did my IELTS test and I got my certification with proud but it wasn’t enough to apply for my visa. Deception. I also didn’t had the guts to celebrate my 28th birthday because to be honest the only thing I wanted was to die… Clearly depressed once again I saw myself becoming a monster. Yet I denied. I went from 53kg to 44,7kg in 5 weeks, I cut myself uncountable times, I cried myself to bed every night and I tasted the bittersweet taste of the “normal life between a young and immature couple with plenty of adjustments to be done”. I read 2 books in a month, more than 1100 pages in English and I carried on reading…
September: Books became my best friends apart from the guys and girls I’ve met online. I kept trying to be the perfect house-wife, cooking delicious meals every night, cleaning every day, ironing all his shirts to make sure he would have nothing to do over the weekends. I completely forgot about me and the things I liked to, plus I couldn’t properly make any plans as I was financially broken after 6 months without working. Sadly I realised that my relationship was going down sharply… I had my breakdown.
October: I flew back to Brazil with only one luggage of 23kg and boyfriend. It was quite exciting and a huge step for me to finally introduce him to my family. We spent a fantastic and lovely time in my homecountry, it was 4 days in Rio de Janeiro and other 6 in my hometown Brasilia. It was good for both of us to reconnect and find the strength to carry on with our promising relationship (despite the problems we do great!). After the 16th I start seeing the wrong friends, I was going out almost every night, I got drunk and high A LOT and this was how I started to learn how to be here and not there… I also got a crap job which I quit after 7 days. The reason: simply because I deserved better than that. With a lot of spare time I started seeing a new psychiatrist mainly after my 3rd attempt of suicide. I wasn’t okay and I was alone.
November: Constant ups & downs filled out my days. I was harshly ignored by the love of my life and all my attempts of getting his attention back failed. He did just not hurt my pride but finally broke my heart by being so cruel. Hangovers became routine once again, I ended up twice my nights in a hospital room. Better later than ever on the 23th I slowly began to understand what real friends were trying to show me: – G.N.B. abandoned me when I most needed him, he was nothing but insensitive and fucking yeah selfish. Was tough but I finally learned once for all that I cannot count on anyone else but me. So I decided to love and fully accept my self being as the way I am. I will not deny that I thought would be easy to just break up with him, but true love isn’t about taking the easiest path so I forced myself to be patient and calm enough to wait for things to mend itself. Now I kinda see that he was hurt as well. Luckily we are still together (although steps back in our relationship) now re-learning how to stick once again. Family is everything and I got news that I wasn’t ready for. Two important people passed away and so far I did not understood how this worked on me. I’d help and support from a few good friends and I am really thankful for you all! Pedro, Teodoro, Michael, Leandro, Alie and Diego I do not even have words enough to thank you guys for trying to open my eyes, wipe my tears, listening to my silence, chat with me lately at night, tickle me expecting me to laugh. Thank you too for forcing me to eat and teach me how to breathe again. Thank you for being by my side even when I was wrong and for all those daily messages. And G., my love, I thank you too for making me even stronger.
December: Only more 3 weeks to go through this hell but now I dare to say that I am in peace with myself. I will not deny that it’s Monday and I’m not feeling 100% however I still truly believe that very soon everything will be back in its right places. I miss “Home” oh, fuck yeah I really do! But right now I’m kind of enjoying vacations in Brazil.