Archive for the ‘about me and I’ Category

Retrospective 2014

January 4, 2015

I’ll not deny that since I met the man I’m going to marry I can’t complain a thing about life. Every time I tried to give up on anything he is there supporting me and making me see through it all. Better than that 2014 was an intense and rewarding year by all meanings. Let’s remember it:

January: a cold month that was over before it really starts. The New Yearss Eve I spend with my lovely fiancée having dinner at a Japanese restaurant and then at home watching fireworks from our terrace with our cat, very cozy. Then after an entire semester away from University due to personal issues it was time to get back. It felt weird but it was the right thing to do.

February: I wasn’t sure if I was going on the right track with my professional life, business was going great but I was feeling terrible, thanks god I’ve a great fiancée and a very affectionate cat to look after me and put me up when the only thing I want to do is to go down. I started planning the wedding and I started by searching for my perfect gown to then decide the type and style of the ceremony.

March: Winter has finally arrived with a considerable delay this year. It was damn cold and that didn’t help…still I carried on with University and work and everything else. I did something I’ve never done before, I voluntarily booked flight tickets to visit my family in Brazil on the summer and I was excited about it.

April: After have technically found ‘the dress’ I spent basically the hole month in bed due to personal problem, which I guess is strongly related to some sort of stress bad management…Constantly visiting the E.R I was missing a lot of classes and jobs… Fianceé travelling a lot so thanks to my cat I could overcome depression.

May: Things were fabulous, I couldn’t complain. The wedding planning was going smooth; my future mother in law was helping me with tips of what to do and where to start. Then a new cat entry in our lives and it’s an adorable little female that fianceé and I decided to call “Mia” that means be mine in italian.

June: Well well my business wasn’t going as I was expecting… World Cup in Brazil… Finals at the University and getting closer to my graduation… At this point my diet was practically only chocolate and water which isn’t any good for anyone.

July: It started with the neutralization of Mia, Brazil losing the title to Germany and it was like 7×1… Despite that I was feeling great with myself and the rest of the world. I got my wedding shoes and right after that I decided to buy my stunning Inbal Dror wedding gown. Whoop! Whoop! Because I deserve haute couture.

August: The weather was crazy in Italy, it supposed to be hot as hell but it wasn’t. In any case it was time to spend short vacations in Brazil, this time under three weeks with some invitations to handle personally, family and friends to see and of course some documents to request as I’m going to get married abroad… I missed my lovely fiancée and cats a lot but was worth it. Best of all I enjoyed my family at its fullest this time.

September: And so I was back in Italy, to my fiancée arms and cats prrrrr. Everything seemed exactly as it was. New things to be done for the weeding, getting married is like the more I plan the more I have to plan and with that the month passed in a blink of an eye.

October: Bridal fairs and vendors to see, a few contracts started to be signed and a big gift from my in laws. They are amazing!

November: It was a bureaucratic month; that is all I can remember being in line here and there, taxes everywhere.

December: I guess this was the 3th best month of the year for so many reasons! I am now 97% done with University. It was my granny’s 84th and she is in great health. I decided to start treatments anti-aging and I’m loving it without mention the I’m very tempted to do some plastic surgery as well. My wedding gown arrived and other than met Randy Fenoli in person (yes the guy from the “Say yes to the dress” TV show) I could also give a small interview to Vogue Sposa. Very funny and frivolous this 5min of fame hahaha. But now as a bride to be I couldn’t be happier!!! Then I’d expectacular vacations and not even the extraction of my wisdom teeth (both superior and all at once) ruined it a bit. 2014 ended with a promise of actually better years to come and I’m excited as never before.

2015 I’m more than ready for you so don’t disappoint me!


When does it end?

December 6, 2012

Everyday feels like a life struggle.
At times I believe I can do this,
At others I doubt the reason of my own existance
And I wish that the end of the world would come soon
So I wouldn’t have to end it myself.


Happy Birthday to Me!

August 15, 2012

I want more tattoos, and perhaps a new hair cut or get a bit tanned this summer…
I want to keep on travelling the world, I want a different dress for each day of the month and I want to use make up even if I’m not going anywhere special.
I want to feel and look pretty inside and out.
I want to walk around barefoot in the grass or along the beach every night of every summer for the rest of my life.
I want to for 5 minutes lie naked on the first night of snowing and watch shooting stars in the dark sky.
I want to be tall enough to taste the clouds, but small enough to crawl in bed and stay there for days.
I want to read tons of books, but I want to stay out late sometimes.
I want to make mistakes, a lot of them!
I want to spend a whole year learning and speaking a new language.
I want to write a book that no one is ever going to read.
I want to lose myself in someone’s skin.
I want to fall back in love with the same person for years to come.
I want to write letters that I’ll never going to send and I want to keep them for time enough to forget about the words I wrote down.
I want to cry my heart out for the wrong reasons, to start over a few times before I get it right.
I want to love it with everything I have.
I want to accept my imperfections.
I want scare strangers on the street, or simply to hug them for no reason.
I want to dye my hair two different colours and I want to paint my nails the colour of the sea.
I want to let myself angry and sad, and I want to cut myself open and tell the truth about it.
I want to take pictures of everyone, everything and everywhere I know.
I want to get a bus without knowing where its going to take me.
I want to stand on top of the rocks in the park and remember what it feels like to stand there for the very first time.
I want to sing out loud even when I’m not quite sure of what I’m singing.
I want to jump off bridges and survive and I’m going to write it all down in diaries.
This year I want to set my own North and live the way I want to.

.:It’s a good good life:.

Let’s try

July 25, 2012

Letters to Myself… | Part VI

July 23, 2012

My darling Carol,
I want you to read and truly believe in these words below.
Have a little faith in destiny.
And you will see that in the end we’re gonna be fine.
I love me, and I know you do too.

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so as long as you are true to the best that is in you!

I’m not lost, I’m confused…

July 19, 2012

Sometimes at night I suddenly become aware of all the things I’m missing out on right now,
And all the people who I’m not close to anymore,
And all of the good times that will never happen again,
And all the people who meant the world to me who have forgotten about me forever,
And I get this awful feeling that’s kind of like a mix between loneliness and nostalgia.

.:Far too gone:.

Forgive. Forget. Move on.

July 16, 2012

Early this morning I saw the woman who gave me birth.
She was on the other side of the street and she came to talk to me.
I haven’t seen her since I can’t remember when.
A very few superficial words were exchanged though.
Other than that, no hugs or kisses.
No emotions at all.
Today I proved that nobody, not even her, have the power to hurt me anymore.

Things I’ve been doing lately:

July 16, 2012

-thinking about sex
-cutting (DSH)
-eating a lot
-then not eating at all
-abusing alcohol
-spending crazy hours on skype / online
-going back and forth
-not sleeping enough
-then forcing myself to sleep alot
-being at hospitals
-hanging out with strangers
-avoiding friends
-going to karaokes and weird parties
-postponing important meetings
-being a catastrophe in real life
-disappointing people and get disappointed
-being happy
-being extremely sad
-missing the old times
-being self-suficient
-being cruel and kind at the same time
-reading more books
-falling asleep while watching movies
-watching to a bunch of different Tv Shows
-downloading stuff
-playing video game
-enjoying porn
-baking and cooking
-spending crazy hours at the gym
-then avoiding to go to the gym
-smoking pot
-listening to music
-posting on Tumblr
-skiping terapy sessions
-telling always the truth (even if it hurts)
-taking pictures
-spending nights out
-gaining weight and then losing it
-get inked
-drinking liters of water
-smoking cigars
-using my credit card more than I should
-tracking and stalking people
-approacing people in a clumsy way
-writing but not publishing
-banning people online
-being lazy
-planning vacations
-changing my plans
-talking alot
-then not saying a word
-posting on private mode
-driking tea and coffee without sugar
-forgeting to set alarms
-drawing on walls
-dealing with assholes
-swearing more than the usual
-lying to myself
-counting down the days
-basically nothing really important…

.:don’t chase anything but drinks and dreams:.

My thrill is gone. (Say I’m wrong)

July 13, 2012

Being a borderline feels like eternal hell.
Nothing less.
Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next.
Hurting because I hurt those whom I love.
Feeling misunderstood.
And empty most of time.
Nothing gives me pleasure.
Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that…
So I cut myself or abuse of substances to make all those feelings go away.

Sorry not sorry, but it is what it is, a never ending cycle.

.:healing | Days without cutting: 04:.

Dirty Little Secret

July 10, 2012

You don’t expect these things to happen.
No one asks to be alone.
Some get used to it,
Some pretend to be used to it,
And others are a walking work of destruction.
They never saw it coming, and neither did I,
But I won’t tell you that…







Hello Depression…

July 4, 2012




there we go again…


Letters to Myself | part V

March 1, 2012

Dear future me,
I hope you’ve found yourself.
By the time I wrote this to you, sometime in 2011, you were so lost, so needy and so miserable that anyone could see how troubled your life was going.
I’m so sorry if I abandoned you…
I’m so sorry for everything I put you through, you deserved better… far better than everything you had last year.
Sorry if I lied to you making you believe in such stupid fairytales.
Sorry if I forced you to stay longer than you should be into another sick relationship that would change yourself forever.
Sorry if I told you to never give up on boys…
I was wrong.
Well, I’m not sure if your (my) heart is totally mended by now or if you’ve decided to give another chance to love. I bet yes knowing you as I do…
You look and sound happy with this new guy you found, I’m happy for us!
However it goes pls do not forget to love yourself at first!
Trust no one.
Take risks if you must to but never ever again forget to love yourself.
You’re awesome! You really are a beautiful and unique lady.
And you’re absolutely gooooorgeous despite all your scars.
I love you, I really do although sometimes I seems not to.
Please for our own sake, stop doubting yourself!
True love might already have found you, be patient with this new guy, don’t chase him, don’t be afraid to get out there and fight for everything you plan to build with him, despite any critices always follow the sound of your heart.
Be ready, because eventually you will get hurt once again. So this time don’t give him so much control, right?
Though always in every single day remain yourself.
Be loving, be caring…
I know it’s hard for us but believe me, no matter how much you love people don’t become dependent on them.
“A hungry dog doesn’t get feed…”
So don’t be needy or clingy. Make them come to you, you’ve this power so use it!
Last but not least remember there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Take your chances.
Forget your past.
Stay classy,
Take care of me.

With all my love,
the old you

Breaking walls

February 12, 2012

Seems that now she is finally and absolutely ready to start whatever happens!
No more lies or half-stories, no more hide and seek or silly games in her love-life…
She trust him as she fully trust her own self.
And so for this reason she told him things she never told anyone else.
She told him about her fears, insecurities and the very things she was so ashamed of and yet made up who she is.
She revealed to this unique and already so special guy the whole truth as it is and yet his choice, for her astonishment, was to remain; to stick by her side as insanely as it could seems.
So young and so open minded…
Believe me, she couldn’t be happier and in peace with her life as she is. Now she has no walls.
The truth nothing but the truth is all that this guy deserve from her. Because one things is sure, he is far above than anyone else ever did!
So instead of just walk on her surface, she allowed him to go deeper in all meanings.
Awesomely he’s now able to fully take her from what and who she actually is.
He is taking her with her whole crap all in once.
And without any doubt or hesitation he wants her as the same way she wants him:


Letters to Myself… | part IV

January 25, 2012

Dear future me,

Good luck with dating.
I hope when you have read this you aren’t feeling downtrodden, guilty or lonely anymore just because some asshole mucked things up in your past.
You’re better than that so don’t give a shit for what people’s saying and just carry on distracting yourself.
Do whatever you want to do and with whom you judge worthy of a piece of you!
You know, it might sound rough but I always knew that “monogamy and commitment” wasn’t quite for you…
However I am truly happy to see you taking your chances.
But more than that, I content and proud to see that you leave the past in the past.

– Forgive.
– Forget.
– Move on.

Yeah babe, that’s the way we rule!

the old you


From yesterday

January 23, 2012

Being single doesn’t mean being lonely and I guess I couldn’t be happier with the choices I’ve made.
Last night was far above my expectations (literally and figuratively).
This guy I met on a blind date was great, very talkative, open minded, new in town, completely cute, fucking handsome and hyper funny (yes, he made my cheeks hurt as I couldn’t stop smiling and laughing not even for a second).
His green-light-blue eyes wow caught me at first sight! It was indescribable, stronger than butterflies I guess… And it’s interesting because I risk saying that I already feel myself alive once again, which is all I needed.
Yeah, for some unknown reason this guy brought me back a part of my being that I’d thought was dead.
I have only reasons to thank him so far for his patience, for being himself surprising me in such a positive way, for being a gentleman despite his age but mainly for accepting this common agreement of “zero commitment”.
Indeed we just want someone to say things to, someone to kiss and hug and cuddle, someone to mimimi and all that teen stuff you know…
It’s a fresh feeling!
We are young, wild and we just want to have fun.
And to me all this sound like music to my ears… it’s now carnival in my heart.
So in order to enjoy life as much as possible I am going to live life in the fast lane, celebrating every single day till the day we decide to stop seeing each other. It can happens within a week, a month, a year who knows, who cares…
It’s simple, we have no strings attached and this is the beauty of us.

Presenting the guy

on the way back home