The perks of being a wallflower

January 4, 2013

I can’t wait to read this book… actually right now I can’t wait for a lot of things to happen!
This time I’ve been doing all the right things (which is far beyond of the best I can be) because as I said before, for the first time, I’m optimistic of what is yet to come.
I wish you all a late happy new year.

I don’t know if I will have the time to write anymore letters because I might be too busy trying to participate.
So if this does end up being the last letter I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school and you helped me.
Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about or know someone who has gone through it, you made me not feel alone.
Because I know there are people who say all these things don’t happen.
And there are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17.
I know these will all be stories someday.
And our pictures will become old photographs.
We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad.
But right now these moments are not stories.
This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her.
And she is so beautiful.
I can see it.
This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story.
You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder.
And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world.
And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.

*-*

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Retrospective 2012

December 30, 2012

January – The year started with a lot of work to be done. I was emotionally destroyed but dogged to don’t let any of my dreams die. Desperate situations call for desperate measures, so once again I did what I had to do. With no complains I worked my ass off focusing on my targets. Within 4 weeks I was standing back on my feet better than ever and at the top of the world. I rented a nice place to myself and as usual I restarted from the beginning. I was ready for everything except to meet the man that would change my entire life…

February – I enjoyed every second of it. I was happy as I never was. I was settled. The weather was cold but my heart was warmed. Francesco slowly got into my plans taking a special place inside my heart.

March – Things were great and so after pondering a lot I invited Francesco to move in. A week after that I was officially presented to his parents and our weekends were mostly spent at Rasiglio and Bologna. I got used to be loved once again and I’d no secrets to hide, not this time.

April – My sentimental life was perfect and my business was doing awesomely awesome. As nothing comes for free unexpectedly my family needed me back home. So I quit my job and I flew back to my country.  I lost someone very close that I rather not to comment about… Anyways it was time to heal and to reconstruct a few bonds that were loose.

May – I spent my time over there supporting my family, collecting the pieces, going to the gym, seeing old friends and as far as I remember on Skype with Francesco… I missed him and I missed “our nest” very very much.

June – I can’t recall much of what happened and I think it’s best this way… For what I can say I was partying hard what made me lose just not a lot of weigh but also some of my track.

July – My last days at my homeland was as I like to call “normal”. After a while we were all done of each other, they couldn’t wait for me to be gone and so didn’t I. Arguments became the new good morning and it affected me more than I could handled. I was being so unlucky that I found by chance my biological mother on street. I wanted to die and another attempt was marked on my failed score. Right after that, I took the first flight back to Italy without even search for better deals. And it was the best for everyone…

August – Being home was awkward for both of us during the first days. I was what they call “recovering” and everything was weird. My love was very patient with me all along the way and I’m truly grateful for that. The night of the shooting stars (Notte di San Lorenzo) on the 11th was magical… Right after that we planned last minute vacations and it felt like honeymoon! He took me to amazing places and he did everything in his power to that become my best vacations ever. This year I’d an amazing birthday, perfection defines. It was so great that I was happy about being at the beach!

September – Backing to civilization I did my acceptance test to start my third post-graduation and I got 4 of 5 votes. I started a Master course in Cinema at IULM but within weeks I knew that that wasn’t for me. I slowly started becoming depressed again (in fact I think I haven’t recovered well backing in time). Anyways it was a tough month where I couldn’t find a place to be. At home I remember playing housewife a lot, I tried to fill my days by trying to be “perfect”.

October – Francesco and I decided to adopt a kitten. We agreed that it was a good thing for me as I was feeling lonely because of his late hours at the office. Nick lived with us for almost two amazing and very happy weeks till his premature death… I was heartbroken once again… Meanwhile a good friend of mine came to visit me. Michael originally from Great Britain travelled from Berlin to Milan to spend a long weekend with us. For my surprise the boys did great together and it made me very proud of my choice this time. I showed Michael  the city I love in a way I haven’t done yet – We parted and got drank and talked and walked a lot too! He cheered me up and that helped me to see things through. I realised that I like cinema but I do love photography… so I was decided I was going to change University and course!

November – With a delay of one month and a half I convinced the President of the Institute and the Coordinator of the course that I was the type of student that they were looking for! I did my second admission test and once again I was accepted with honours to study Photography & Fine Arts. I was feeling very proud of myself, proud of my abilities, content with life in general! I was about to start studying something that I love in a place that I liked with people that seemed to be just like me – a bunch artists trying to find a place in the sun! I can say that I was finally at the right place.

December – The month started with paramedics at home, and this time it wasn’t my fault but it was due to a spinal block… The MRI accused that I’ve a huge hernia between the L4 and the L5. Awesome to do not say FML! Over ten days in bed, no school, no fun. The selling became my closest friend and I felt bad for my love that had to do everything for the both of us – from shower to cooking. After that with strong meds I started to recovering my moves so slowly I get back to my activities. I went to school, I hang out with colleagues, I was once again having fun. Things at home was settled and Francesco and I survived to another “end of the world” laughing a lot about it. The Christmas week was spent in Bologna and I can comfortably say we were all in family even though I missed my own ones… Once back to Milan good news arrived from Brazil! My little sister told me that next year I’m going to become an auntie of two and this time we are all hoping for a baby girl but if not another baby boy will be more than welcome as well! I’m excited about life and about the future in general. As weird as it sound I know that this time the best is yet to come!

2012

When does it end?

December 6, 2012

Everyday feels like a life struggle.
At times I believe I can do this,
At others I doubt the reason of my own existance
And I wish that the end of the world would come soon
So I wouldn’t have to end it myself.

2012-12-01

Happy as hell

November 10, 2012

Have you seen her?
She doesn’t look sad does she?
That’s because she’s not.
She doesn’t look like someone who got her heart broken and her life torn dozens of times does she?
She had… It doesn’t look like it now, but she got it badly, by almost all the “good people” she met.
That’s all okay now, because she’s happy.
Who cares if she’s more happier than she was with them, or less.
She doesn’t bother that at all.
Though, just for the record she is far happier than she ever was.
She lives fully for the moment.
She lives with no regrets.
She knows what she had with them was great by that time, something no one could feel except for the two of them.
Though they probably showed her more things when they actually walked out of her life…
She thank all of them.
She learned to be independent and even more determined; to only trust a few; to take the time to cherish others, and she finally learned how to be strong.
Nobody expected that she would turn into a fascinating happy and more beautiful lady because of the scars they left her with…
Now all she hopes for is for them to become better men, to show the world the goodness in their hearts that still left instead of this conflicted soul they insist in display to others.
Now look at her.
She doesn’t look sad, does she?
That’s because she’s not!
And the best part is to know that after all, she will never be sad again because she is now complete.

I was born to be HAPPY!

I was born to be LOVED!

 

P.S: Thanks Fra for being everything I always dreamed of. Thank you for taking me as I am.

2012 | Day 277

October 3, 2012

I need it (whatever “it” is) to be mine.
I need to have control or at least believe that I do have it.
I need and I want 100% of everything that comes to cross my way… good, bad, does not matter.
And if it can’t be so, if it can’t belong to this life of mine I’d rather not have any of that, anything, nothing at all.
Because I’m not afraid of the dark, but of this grey zone that is killing me…

 

“And in the end, its not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.”

Back to School: the Monday after

September 24, 2012

I’ve never thought I would feel so tired for being back at the University after 5 years just travelling the world. Brazil, Chile, Antarctic Peninsula, Bolivia, Argentine, Paraguay, Belgium, Holland, Denmark, France, United Kingdom, Croatia, Turkey, Slovenia, Switzerland, Portugal, Spain, Italy and so on…  Today it feels like the tiredness of the world rests on me!

Nonetheless here I am, in Milan, starting my second week of a course that will last for at least the next two years, of course if the world doesn’t end first. And I will not deny that I’m already praying for God to get me through this alive and if possible with some vestige of social life – despite my natural awkwardness among people and rage against society I enjoy going out as weird as it sound.

(giggles)

Jokes apart, during the last week I spent 85% of my time at the Campus having lessons. With the remaining 15%, 10% I was studying at home and basically only 5% of it was dedicated for the basics stuff. Not even the weekend off I’d this time as I was at Bologna following my beloved in his family events… Although exhausted the truth is that I’m very satisfied of having a hectic routine once again! I wouldn’t dare to complaining a single word about anything. But I need to certainly and as soon as possible setting up my schedules and get used to this new life style of mine.

If ready to sacrifice a few things in order to a solid and better future well not so sure yet but no doubts a Master course in Cinema, Television and New Media will do only good to me and to my academic background full based in Social Communication focused in Photography and Multimedia production.

As usual, I’m aiming high and I can’t wait to see where this audacious choice will lead me.

Baby, you have to have guts and a good dose of craziness to do half of the things I do!

 

 

 

Summer 2012

September 4, 2012

Should I apologise for the inconstancy of posting?
Nhannnn no, I guess I shouldn’t, not this time!
However, September began nicely but I’m still living in August…
A few weeks ago I turned 29, which was kind of surprising.
I spent my birthday in Rome. And despite have been living in Italy since 2008 this was my first time at the city (as airports does not actually count).
I couldn’t be in a better company, my lovely guy was there with me and he gave me the vacations of my dreams in all meanings!
After enjoyed an amazing week in Rome we went to the Maldives of Salento to continuing our vacation in total relax for another 10 more days in paradise. And as odd as it may sound I loved alot being at the beach.
Anyways, I could write down much more about our entire schedules, the places we saw, interesting things we did, places where we ate, what we ate, give away full tips about the “where to go & what to do” and so on but honestly who in the world would seriously cares about it without envy the life I conquered? Peace seems to finally be taking place on me and certain things were made to be kept on pvt, this lesson I learnt well. So for this reason I’ll dare to share only part of the story by using some of the pictures I took.
Have fun…

.: Rome :.

.: Le Maldives del Salento :.

Happy Birthday to Me!

August 15, 2012

I want more tattoos, and perhaps a new hair cut or get a bit tanned this summer…
I want to keep on travelling the world, I want a different dress for each day of the month and I want to use make up even if I’m not going anywhere special.
I want to feel and look pretty inside and out.
I want to walk around barefoot in the grass or along the beach every night of every summer for the rest of my life.
I want to for 5 minutes lie naked on the first night of snowing and watch shooting stars in the dark sky.
I want to be tall enough to taste the clouds, but small enough to crawl in bed and stay there for days.
I want to read tons of books, but I want to stay out late sometimes.
I want to make mistakes, a lot of them!
I want to spend a whole year learning and speaking a new language.
I want to write a book that no one is ever going to read.
I want to lose myself in someone’s skin.
I want to fall back in love with the same person for years to come.
I want to write letters that I’ll never going to send and I want to keep them for time enough to forget about the words I wrote down.
I want to cry my heart out for the wrong reasons, to start over a few times before I get it right.
I want to love it with everything I have.
I want to accept my imperfections.
I want scare strangers on the street, or simply to hug them for no reason.
I want to dye my hair two different colours and I want to paint my nails the colour of the sea.
I want to let myself angry and sad, and I want to cut myself open and tell the truth about it.
I want to take pictures of everyone, everything and everywhere I know.
I want to get a bus without knowing where its going to take me.
I want to stand on top of the rocks in the park and remember what it feels like to stand there for the very first time.
I want to sing out loud even when I’m not quite sure of what I’m singing.
I want to jump off bridges and survive and I’m going to write it all down in diaries.
This year I want to set my own North and live the way I want to.

.:It’s a good good life:.

Soul mate

August 8, 2012

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants.
But a true soul mate is a mirror; the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful.
Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, and make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.

.

click on the image to view full Art Gallery

Let’s try

July 25, 2012

Letters to Myself… | Part VI

July 23, 2012

My darling Carol,
I want you to read and truly believe in these words below.
Have a little faith in destiny.
And you will see that in the end we’re gonna be fine.
I love me, and I know you do too.

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so as long as you are true to the best that is in you!

I’m not lost, I’m confused…

July 19, 2012

Sometimes at night I suddenly become aware of all the things I’m missing out on right now,
And all the people who I’m not close to anymore,
And all of the good times that will never happen again,
And all the people who meant the world to me who have forgotten about me forever,
And I get this awful feeling that’s kind of like a mix between loneliness and nostalgia.

.:Far too gone:.

Forgive. Forget. Move on.

July 16, 2012

Early this morning I saw the woman who gave me birth.
She was on the other side of the street and she came to talk to me.
(…)
I haven’t seen her since I can’t remember when.
A very few superficial words were exchanged though.
(…)
Other than that, no hugs or kisses.
No emotions at all.
(…)
Today I proved that nobody, not even her, have the power to hurt me anymore.

Things I’ve been doing lately:

July 16, 2012

-crying
-laughing
-reading
-writing
-thinking about sex
-cutting (DSH)
-eating a lot
-then not eating at all
-abusing alcohol
-spending crazy hours on skype / online
-going back and forth
-not sleeping enough
-then forcing myself to sleep alot
-being at hospitals
-hanging out with strangers
-avoiding friends
-going to karaokes and weird parties
-postponing important meetings
-being a catastrophe in real life
-disappointing people and get disappointed
-being happy
-being extremely sad
-arguing
-missing the old times
-being self-suficient
-being cruel and kind at the same time
-reading more books
-falling asleep while watching movies
-watching to a bunch of different Tv Shows
-downloading stuff
-playing video game
-enjoying porn
-baking and cooking
-spending crazy hours at the gym
-then avoiding to go to the gym
-smoking pot
-listening to music
-posting on Tumblr
-skiping terapy sessions
-telling always the truth (even if it hurts)
-taking pictures
-spending nights out
-gaining weight and then losing it
-get inked
-drinking liters of water
-smoking cigars
-using my credit card more than I should
-tracking and stalking people
-approacing people in a clumsy way
-writing but not publishing
-banning people online
-exercising
-being lazy
-planning vacations
-changing my plans
-talking alot
-then not saying a word
-posting on private mode
-driking tea and coffee without sugar
-forgeting to set alarms
-drawing on walls
-dealing with assholes
-swearing more than the usual
-lying to myself
-counting down the days
-basically nothing really important…

.:don’t chase anything but drinks and dreams:.

My thrill is gone. (Say I’m wrong)

July 13, 2012

Being a borderline feels like eternal hell.
Nothing less.
Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next.
Hurting because I hurt those whom I love.
Feeling misunderstood.
And empty most of time.
Nothing gives me pleasure.
Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that…
So I cut myself or abuse of substances to make all those feelings go away.

Sorry not sorry, but it is what it is, a never ending cycle.

.:healing | Days without cutting: 04:.