Posts Tagged ‘2012’

Retrospective 2012

December 30, 2012

January – The year started with a lot of work to be done. I was emotionally destroyed but dogged to don’t let any of my dreams die. Desperate situations call for desperate measures, so once again I did what I had to do. With no complains I worked my ass off focusing on my targets. Within 4 weeks I was standing back on my feet better than ever and at the top of the world. I rented a nice place to myself and as usual I restarted from the beginning. I was ready for everything except to meet the man that would change my entire life…

February – I enjoyed every second of it. I was happy as I never was. I was settled. The weather was cold but my heart was warmed. Francesco slowly got into my plans taking a special place inside my heart.

March – Things were great and so after pondering a lot I invited Francesco to move in. A week after that I was officially presented to his parents and our weekends were mostly spent at Rasiglio and Bologna. I got used to be loved once again and I’d no secrets to hide, not this time.

April – My sentimental life was perfect and my business was doing awesomely awesome. As nothing comes for free unexpectedly my family needed me back home. So I quit my job and I flew back to my country.  I lost someone very close that I rather not to comment about… Anyways it was time to heal and to reconstruct a few bonds that were loose.

May – I spent my time over there supporting my family, collecting the pieces, going to the gym, seeing old friends and as far as I remember on Skype with Francesco… I missed him and I missed “our nest” very very much.

June – I can’t recall much of what happened and I think it’s best this way… For what I can say I was partying hard what made me lose just not a lot of weigh but also some of my track.

July – My last days at my homeland was as I like to call “normal”. After a while we were all done of each other, they couldn’t wait for me to be gone and so didn’t I. Arguments became the new good morning and it affected me more than I could handled. I was being so unlucky that I found by chance my biological mother on street. I wanted to die and another attempt was marked on my failed score. Right after that, I took the first flight back to Italy without even search for better deals. And it was the best for everyone…

August – Being home was awkward for both of us during the first days. I was what they call “recovering” and everything was weird. My love was very patient with me all along the way and I’m truly grateful for that. The night of the shooting stars (Notte di San Lorenzo) on the 11th was magical… Right after that we planned last minute vacations and it felt like honeymoon! He took me to amazing places and he did everything in his power to that become my best vacations ever. This year I’d an amazing birthday, perfection defines. It was so great that I was happy about being at the beach!

September – Backing to civilization I did my acceptance test to start my third post-graduation and I got 4 of 5 votes. I started a Master course in Cinema at IULM but within weeks I knew that that wasn’t for me. I slowly started becoming depressed again (in fact I think I haven’t recovered well backing in time). Anyways it was a tough month where I couldn’t find a place to be. At home I remember playing housewife a lot, I tried to fill my days by trying to be “perfect”.

October – Francesco and I decided to adopt a kitten. We agreed that it was a good thing for me as I was feeling lonely because of his late hours at the office. Nick lived with us for almost two amazing and very happy weeks till his premature death… I was heartbroken once again… Meanwhile a good friend of mine came to visit me. Michael originally from Great Britain travelled from Berlin to Milan to spend a long weekend with us. For my surprise the boys did great together and it made me very proud of my choice this time. I showed Michael  the city I love in a way I haven’t done yet – We parted and got drank and talked and walked a lot too! He cheered me up and that helped me to see things through. I realised that I like cinema but I do love photography… so I was decided I was going to change University and course!

November – With a delay of one month and a half I convinced the President of the Institute and the Coordinator of the course that I was the type of student that they were looking for! I did my second admission test and once again I was accepted with honours to study Photography & Fine Arts. I was feeling very proud of myself, proud of my abilities, content with life in general! I was about to start studying something that I love in a place that I liked with people that seemed to be just like me – a bunch artists trying to find a place in the sun! I can say that I was finally at the right place.

December – The month started with paramedics at home, and this time it wasn’t my fault but it was due to a spinal block… The MRI accused that I’ve a huge hernia between the L4 and the L5. Awesome to do not say FML! Over ten days in bed, no school, no fun. The selling became my closest friend and I felt bad for my love that had to do everything for the both of us – from shower to cooking. After that with strong meds I started to recovering my moves so slowly I get back to my activities. I went to school, I hang out with colleagues, I was once again having fun. Things at home was settled and Francesco and I survived to another “end of the world” laughing a lot about it. The Christmas week was spent in Bologna and I can comfortably say we were all in family even though I missed my own ones… Once back to Milan good news arrived from Brazil! My little sister told me that next year I’m going to become an auntie of two and this time we are all hoping for a baby girl but if not another baby boy will be more than welcome as well! I’m excited about life and about the future in general. As weird as it sound I know that this time the best is yet to come!



Happy as hell

November 10, 2012

Have you seen her?
She doesn’t look sad does she?
That’s because she’s not.
She doesn’t look like someone who got her heart broken and her life torn dozens of times does she?
She had… It doesn’t look like it now, but she got it badly, by almost all the “good people” she met.
That’s all okay now, because she’s happy.
Who cares if she’s more happier than she was with them, or less.
She doesn’t bother that at all.
Though, just for the record she is far happier than she ever was.
She lives fully for the moment.
She lives with no regrets.
She knows what she had with them was great by that time, something no one could feel except for the two of them.
Though they probably showed her more things when they actually walked out of her life…
She thank all of them.
She learned to be independent and even more determined; to only trust a few; to take the time to cherish others, and she finally learned how to be strong.
Nobody expected that she would turn into a fascinating happy and more beautiful lady because of the scars they left her with…
Now all she hopes for is for them to become better men, to show the world the goodness in their hearts that still left instead of this conflicted soul they insist in display to others.
Now look at her.
She doesn’t look sad, does she?
That’s because she’s not!
And the best part is to know that after all, she will never be sad again because she is now complete.

I was born to be HAPPY!

I was born to be LOVED!


P.S: Thanks Fra for being everything I always dreamed of. Thank you for taking me as I am.

Summer 2012

September 4, 2012

Should I apologise for the inconstancy of posting?
Nhannnn no, I guess I shouldn’t, not this time!
However, September began nicely but I’m still living in August…
A few weeks ago I turned 29, which was kind of surprising.
I spent my birthday in Rome. And despite have been living in Italy since 2008 this was my first time at the city (as airports does not actually count).
I couldn’t be in a better company, my lovely guy was there with me and he gave me the vacations of my dreams in all meanings!
After enjoyed an amazing week in Rome we went to the Maldives of Salento to continuing our vacation in total relax for another 10 more days in paradise. And as odd as it may sound I loved alot being at the beach.
Anyways, I could write down much more about our entire schedules, the places we saw, interesting things we did, places where we ate, what we ate, give away full tips about the “where to go & what to do” and so on but honestly who in the world would seriously cares about it without envy the life I conquered? Peace seems to finally be taking place on me and certain things were made to be kept on pvt, this lesson I learnt well. So for this reason I’ll dare to share only part of the story by using some of the pictures I took.
Have fun…

.: Rome :.

.: Le Maldives del Salento :.

Happy Birthday to Me!

August 15, 2012

I want more tattoos, and perhaps a new hair cut or get a bit tanned this summer…
I want to keep on travelling the world, I want a different dress for each day of the month and I want to use make up even if I’m not going anywhere special.
I want to feel and look pretty inside and out.
I want to walk around barefoot in the grass or along the beach every night of every summer for the rest of my life.
I want to for 5 minutes lie naked on the first night of snowing and watch shooting stars in the dark sky.
I want to be tall enough to taste the clouds, but small enough to crawl in bed and stay there for days.
I want to read tons of books, but I want to stay out late sometimes.
I want to make mistakes, a lot of them!
I want to spend a whole year learning and speaking a new language.
I want to write a book that no one is ever going to read.
I want to lose myself in someone’s skin.
I want to fall back in love with the same person for years to come.
I want to write letters that I’ll never going to send and I want to keep them for time enough to forget about the words I wrote down.
I want to cry my heart out for the wrong reasons, to start over a few times before I get it right.
I want to love it with everything I have.
I want to accept my imperfections.
I want scare strangers on the street, or simply to hug them for no reason.
I want to dye my hair two different colours and I want to paint my nails the colour of the sea.
I want to let myself angry and sad, and I want to cut myself open and tell the truth about it.
I want to take pictures of everyone, everything and everywhere I know.
I want to get a bus without knowing where its going to take me.
I want to stand on top of the rocks in the park and remember what it feels like to stand there for the very first time.
I want to sing out loud even when I’m not quite sure of what I’m singing.
I want to jump off bridges and survive and I’m going to write it all down in diaries.
This year I want to set my own North and live the way I want to.

.:It’s a good good life:.

Let’s try

July 25, 2012

Letters to Myself… | Part VI

July 23, 2012

My darling Carol,
I want you to read and truly believe in these words below.
Have a little faith in destiny.
And you will see that in the end we’re gonna be fine.
I love me, and I know you do too.

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so as long as you are true to the best that is in you!

I’m not lost, I’m confused…

July 19, 2012

Sometimes at night I suddenly become aware of all the things I’m missing out on right now,
And all the people who I’m not close to anymore,
And all of the good times that will never happen again,
And all the people who meant the world to me who have forgotten about me forever,
And I get this awful feeling that’s kind of like a mix between loneliness and nostalgia.

.:Far too gone:.

Forgive. Forget. Move on.

July 16, 2012

Early this morning I saw the woman who gave me birth.
She was on the other side of the street and she came to talk to me.
I haven’t seen her since I can’t remember when.
A very few superficial words were exchanged though.
Other than that, no hugs or kisses.
No emotions at all.
Today I proved that nobody, not even her, have the power to hurt me anymore.

Things I’ve been doing lately:

July 16, 2012

-thinking about sex
-cutting (DSH)
-eating a lot
-then not eating at all
-abusing alcohol
-spending crazy hours on skype / online
-going back and forth
-not sleeping enough
-then forcing myself to sleep alot
-being at hospitals
-hanging out with strangers
-avoiding friends
-going to karaokes and weird parties
-postponing important meetings
-being a catastrophe in real life
-disappointing people and get disappointed
-being happy
-being extremely sad
-missing the old times
-being self-suficient
-being cruel and kind at the same time
-reading more books
-falling asleep while watching movies
-watching to a bunch of different Tv Shows
-downloading stuff
-playing video game
-enjoying porn
-baking and cooking
-spending crazy hours at the gym
-then avoiding to go to the gym
-smoking pot
-listening to music
-posting on Tumblr
-skiping terapy sessions
-telling always the truth (even if it hurts)
-taking pictures
-spending nights out
-gaining weight and then losing it
-get inked
-drinking liters of water
-smoking cigars
-using my credit card more than I should
-tracking and stalking people
-approacing people in a clumsy way
-writing but not publishing
-banning people online
-being lazy
-planning vacations
-changing my plans
-talking alot
-then not saying a word
-posting on private mode
-driking tea and coffee without sugar
-forgeting to set alarms
-drawing on walls
-dealing with assholes
-swearing more than the usual
-lying to myself
-counting down the days
-basically nothing really important…

.:don’t chase anything but drinks and dreams:.

My thrill is gone. (Say I’m wrong)

July 13, 2012

Being a borderline feels like eternal hell.
Nothing less.
Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next.
Hurting because I hurt those whom I love.
Feeling misunderstood.
And empty most of time.
Nothing gives me pleasure.
Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that…
So I cut myself or abuse of substances to make all those feelings go away.

Sorry not sorry, but it is what it is, a never ending cycle.

.:healing | Days without cutting: 04:.

Dirty Little Secret

July 10, 2012

You don’t expect these things to happen.
No one asks to be alone.
Some get used to it,
Some pretend to be used to it,
And others are a walking work of destruction.
They never saw it coming, and neither did I,
But I won’t tell you that…







The Leap Second

June 30, 2012

To be apart to be together…
That’s such a terrible task but I can wait as you are the only one worth waiting for.
And the unspoken truth is that I know that you know that I know that what we certainly have is something beyond measures, that only happens once in a life time.
It might be L.O.V.E or either something else yet unexplained and that’s one of the 5.972.432.649,11 reasons why for you, my little bird, I would do anything…
Even if it hurts more than I can take or if it costs me more than I can pay…
Because you are worth it all.

P.S: I’m looking forward to our second first kiss! I’ve missed you a lot.

She had no need to ask why he had come.
She knew as certainly as if he had told her that he was here to be where she was.


This is my last train…


please take me home with you.

Wrong Fragments of Raw with Love

June 25, 2012

I remember the kisses our lips raw with love
and how you gave me everything you had
and how I offered you what was left of me.
and I remember our small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
my books
our morning coffee
our noons and nights
our bodies spilled together
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth of you
who made me laugh again.

Charles Bukowski



your hand in mine

.:your hand in mine:.

Hey look at me, I am a grown up!

May 25, 2012

I know, I know there hasn’t been many personal posts here lately and that’s because I no longer feel the urge to constantly make private things public. Everything is different now, I’ve adopting the policy of Preserve the Privacy, which is awesome! Less gossiping, less people trying to put me down, more but much more of ‘I do whatever I want to’ and that’s how I am really happy. Without mention that what Francesco and I have is really special and unique and complicated and fun to both of us that I don’t dare to share much of it with strangers. I guess that’s the true sign of knowing that I love this guy completely: it’s ours and only ours.

However, it’s always the little things though, right?

So I say he has this particular way of surprising me all the time with his manners, sincerity and passion for life.
Of course we don’t have a perfect relationship but we are the best couple ever. He’s my friend, my lover, my accomplice and sometimes my opponent.I couldn’t imagine better fit for my life than him.
He is my man!

Probably this is the wisest, honest and sappy thing I have ever typed into this space and I couldn’t be happier, I couldn’t be more content with my life. Being a blogger is great BUT nothing’s better than being a beloved woman, living in a happy and harmonic house with a caring partner.

Fra, you are the best I ever had! Thanks for dreaming my dreams.

.:comforting love:.

We are very proud of this painting!

di·a·logue [dahy-uh-lawg, -log]

May 23, 2012

He said,

If we’re going to make this work you have to let me inside, even though it hurts...
Don’t hide the broken parts, that I need to see.
Like it or not, that’s the way it gotta to be!
You have to love yourself; if you can ever love me.

She said,

I’ll do whatever it takes to turn this around…
I’ll help you to fix me.
And I’ll try to never let you down.
I can’t promise you anything.
But if you give me a chance and believe that I can change: I’ll keep us together.