Posts Tagged ‘I’m sorry’

Hello Alone!

October 11, 2010

It’s been a bit and I’m sorry for my absence… I missed you too! Well actually I’ve missed lots of things but that’s not an excuse for me being so careless with people I love.
I’m sorry not just about this but also about of my paranoia and all these days wasted on useless thoughts and stupid actions! I should already know that instead of keep things to myself what I need to do is release them, but for some reason seems that I just cannot do this as everybody does and that’s not healthy and it’s so annoying…
Honestly I wish I could learn quickly how to deal better with my feelings. But I suppose I need to be more patient knowing up front that it will be a long way, just in case if you’re wonder.
Believe me when I say that more than everyone else I wish I could break through this once for all and just be able to be happy without have to own a reason for. But this is one of my faults that may take more of my attention to be ‘fixed’… There are times that I hate the fact I’m always ‘thinking’ and I hate the way how my thoughts turns suddenly into worries and tears and how I get hurt and end up hurting too and start to feel myself so lost!
Anyway, now is already Monday morning something about 05h00 and I’m feeling a little better now and as I mainly believe, good things were made to be shared I’ve decided to make public one of the messages I got yesterday from a good friend. So I do expect that after all this I can have helped you as well as she did with me.

By the way, thank you so much my dear Alie, not just for being my good friend but also for your lovely words… Never forget how amazing you are!

10 October, at 16h06 she wrote to me:
It made a lot of sense, actually.
I understand what you’re saying, because I do a lot of the same. It can get really painful. And once one thing starts, everything just piles up after it. You interpret something one way, and then from there on out you keep interpretting stuff that way and pretty soon everything is hurting and you’ve convinced yourself that you’re going to get hurt. And it’s scary, because we love so unconditionally that it would be entirely possible for us to get hurt… E.g: I’ll just sit and I listen to music and I listen to everything and it all reminds me of him, and then I’ll worry, and I’ll worry more, and I will have worried so much that by the time we actually DO get to talk, I’ve come up with all these scenarios in my head of how I’m not good enough and how it’s going to end painfully, and then I waste what could have been a nice conversation being paranoid and sad. And I hate it, but it’s unavoidable sometimes.
Like you said, sometimes it’s impossible not to feel that way! Then there are those conversations where you know everything is fine and you feel sorry for ever feeling sad or worrying, but it always comes back when you’re alone again at night. And then you start to feel like you’re the one that cares more. It’s not that they care less, it’s just that you feel that it’s literally all you’re doing and thinking about, and then everything else is passing you by, but not for them. But I think it’s all mental stuff.
Well, I don’t know if any of this helps, but we seem to have some similar thoughts and I thought that maybe you think this way sometimes too and maybe it’s nice to know that you don’t have to be alone in it and that it’s rough but you’ll always have somebody to talk to about it. And yeah, like you said, it’s hard for the risk of getting hurt, but it’s something that has to be accepted for the risk of love. Especially distance love. Aaah distance...
But I can definitely understand why you’re feeling the way you do, though. But stuff will get better, I know it will. And you’re really strong.
And I’m always here to listen.
:]
xoxo ♥

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Things I promised myself never to forget...

 

‘Bed of lies’

September 26, 2010

I’m a liar!
And that’s the only truth I can admit…
I lie when I’m happy,
I lie when I’m sad…
I lie for all those ones I love,
And especially for all those others who I suppose I hate.
I lie about feelings, emotions, about my real physical and mental conditions.
I lie about expectations, future plans,
I lie about everything and much more!
And the worst is that I believe in all those stories I’m telling you now…
I’m not good enough to accept that I was wrong, even though I wasn’t!
I’m not good enough to say “I’m trully sorry” by heart.
Neither to face the reality when it comes up…
I’m a unconditional liar and too stubborn to step back and see all that shit I’ve done and I’m aware of.
I do not believe in ‘good intentions’ even though I should do that!
I always think that everybody has something to hide,
Nothing never changes, it’s the same all the time…
I’m tired but I do not just proceed at the wrong way as I go further, because I change facts,
I usually manipulate everything, making my own story and at the end I want that people still trusting on me…
I’m simply disgusting because I cheat on everyone.
And at the end of the day I don’t want to feel myself empty, dirty, alone, then I cheat on me too!
That really sucks…
But I cannot change it,
I cannot change myself because I don’t want to or perhaps because I barely see something good at me.
I’m so sorry for being already so damageable…
Now, I’m not lying!
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Nao é facil ter um oceano de distancia e tantos outros problemas separando a gente justo agora. I miss you lots! <5

PS: If I were you, I do not believe 100% on things you read here!

All I need, All I want

September 23, 2010

I need your light
I want your love…
I need your shadow
I want your anger…
I need your comfort
I want you close to me…
I need it to find myself among the others!
I want your protection…
I need your kindness
I wish you the best, as always!
And I’ve wonder for what you want,
What do you need now…
Because I need to get over it soon
I want to show you what you deserve…
I’m praying for mercy
I’m wishing your forgiveness…
I need to be brave
You must to be strong
Therefore I want you to love me more than I could do and much more than I would do for both of us!
I miss you day and night.
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We are like day and night at the same, so different but beautiful when together

She is a mess…

September 8, 2010

-First of all, thank you so much for all those ones who have handle me during my last crise. Honestly thank you so much all those ones whose loves me and accept me at the way I am. I know, I can be barely the best if you teach me gentle how to do it right and show me things I cannot see. Please forgive my mistakes, I am still a kid learning the responsability of being an adult! Also please try to don’t take your own conclusions about me or what about my life means by this simple and stupid blog post! People rarely know my full name for example, so how could you pretending that you knows me so well?! How could you thought about bring me down? Sorry but even with all my issues, you failed! One thing I’ve learned well and is ‘what comes from below don’t can even affect me, happiness comes from inside and contagious the others around’. So I’ll be back on the line…

-Second just to make it clear I do not own these words, I’ve just copied and pasted it here as it might to be useful some how. Btw those articles below are a compilation of datas collected on internet.

-Finally but not last, you shouldn’t trust never 100% on things you read here, on things you hear around or especially on things what coming from the Internet and regarding third person! I’m not demanding for attention, I’m just once again sharing my fears, nightmares, thoughts, feelings etc with stranges and especially with those ones who wants to helps me to move on through this.  As I always says, is easier for me expresse myself writing down the words…


Borderline personality disorder:

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder  described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods. The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual’s sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.

BPD splitting includes a switch between idealizing and demonizing others. This, combined with mood disturbances, can undermine relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. BPD disturbances also include self-harm. Without treatment, symptoms may worsen, leading (in extreme cases) to suicide attempts.

There is an ongoing debate among clinicians and patients worldwide about terminology and the use of the word borderline, and some have suggested that this disorder should be renamed. The ICD-10 manual has an alternative definition and terminology to this disorder, called Emotionally unstable personality disorder.

There is related concern that the diagnosis of BPD stigmatizes people and supports pejorative and discriminatory practices. It is common for those suffering from borderline personality disorder and their families to feel compounded by a lack of clear diagnoses, effective treatments, and accurate information. This is true especially because of evidence that this disorder originates in the families of those who suffer from it and has a lot to do with Axis IV factors, rather than belonging strictly in Axis II. Conceptual, as well as therapeutic, relief may be obtained through evidence that BPD is closely related to traumatic events during childhood and to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), about which much more is known.

Signs and symptoms:

Borderline personality disorder is a diagnosis about which many articles and books have been written, yet about which very little is known based on empirical research.

Studies suggest that individuals with BPD tend to experience frequent, strong and long-lasting states of aversive tension, often triggered by perceived rejection, being alone or perceived failure. Individuals with BPD may show lability (changeability) between anger and anxiety or between depression and anxiety and temperamental sensitivity to emotive stimuli.

The negative emotional states specific to BPD may be grouped into four categories: destructive or self-destructive feelings; extreme feelings in general; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization.

Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative. Impulsive behaviors are common, including alcohol or drug abuse, unsafe sex, gambling and recklessness in general. Attachment studies suggest individuals with BPD, while being high in intimacy- or novelty-seeking, can be hyper-alert to signs of rejection or not being valued and tend toward insecure, avoidant or ambivalent, or fearfully preoccupied patterns in relationships. They tend to view the world generally as dangerous and malevolent, and tend to view themselves as powerless, vulnerable, unacceptable and unsure in self-identity.

Individuals with BPD are often described, including by some mental health professionals (and in the DSM-IV), as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills. There has been limited research on family members’ understanding of borderline personality disorder and the extent of burden or negative emotion experienced or expressed by family members.

Parents of individuals with BPD have been reported to show co-existing extremes of over-involvement and under-involvement. BPD has been linked to increased levels of chronic stress and conflict in romantic relationships, decreased satisfaction of romantic partners, abuse and unwanted pregnancy; these links may be general to personality disorder and subsyndromal problems.

Suicidal or self-harming behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria in DSM IV-TR, and management of and recovery from this can be complex and challenging. The suicide rate is approximately 8 to 10 percent. Self-injury attempts are highly common among patients and may or may not be carried out with suicidal intent. BPD is often characterized by multiple low-lethality suicide attempts triggered by seemingly minor incidents, and less commonly by high-lethality attempts that are attributed to impulsiveness or comorbid major depression, with interpersonal stressors appearing to be particularly common triggers. Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior. Stressful life events related to sexual abuse have been found to be a particular trigger for suicide attempts by adolescents with a BPD diagnosis.
Borderline personality disorder was once classified as a subset of schizophrenia  (describing patients with borderline schizophrenic tendencies). Today BPD is used more generally to describe individuals who display emotional dysregulation and instability, with paranoid schizophrenic ideation or delusions being only one criterion (criterion #9) of a total of 9 criteria, of which 5, or more, must be present for this diagnosis.

Individuals with BPD are at high risk of developing other psychological disorders such as anxiety and depression. Other symptoms of BPD, such as dissociation, are frequently linked to severely traumatic childhood experiences, which some put forth as one of the many root causes of the borderline personality.

Stigma:

The features of BPD include emotional instability, intense unstable interpersonal relationships, a need for relatedness and a fear of rejection. As a result, people with BPD often evoke intense emotions in those around them. Pejorative terms to describe persons with BPD such as “difficult,” “treatment resistant,” “manipulative,” “demanding” and “attention seeking” are often used, and may become a self-fulfilling prophecy as the clinician’s negative response triggers further self-destructive behaviour. In psychoanalytic theory, this stigmatization may be thought to reflect countertransference (when a therapist projects their own feelings on to a client), as people with BPD are prone to use defense mechanisms such as splitting and projective identification. Thus the diagnosis “often says more about the clinician’s negative reaction to the patient than it does about the patient … as an expression of counter transference hate, borderline explains away the breakdown in empathy between the therapist and the patient and becomes an institutional epithet in the guise of pseudoscientific jargon”

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual:

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders fourth edition, DSM IV-TR, a widely used manual for diagnosing mental disorders, defines borderline personality disorder (in Axis II Cluster B) as:[2][17]

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image and affects, as well as marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.
3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.
4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., promiscuous sex, eating disorders, binge eating, substance abuse, reckless driving). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-injuring behavior covered in Criterion 5
5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting, interfering with the healing of scars (excoriation) or picking at oneself.
6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).
7. Chronic feelings of emptiness
8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

It is a requirement of DSM-IV that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria. International Classification of Disease

The World Health Organization’s ICD-10 defines a conceptually similar disorder to borderline personality disorder called (F60.3) Emotionally unstable personality disorder. It has two subtypes described below.

F60.30 Impulsive type

At least three of the following must be present, one of which must be (2):

1. marked tendency to act unexpectedly and without consideration of the consequences;
2. marked tendency to quarrelsome behaviour and to conflicts with others, especially when impulsive acts are thwarted or criticized;
3. liability to outbursts of anger or violence, with inability to control the resulting behavioural explosions;
4. difficulty in maintaining any course of action that offers no immediate reward;
5. unstable and capricious mood.

It is a requirement of ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.

F60.31 Borderline type

At least three of the symptoms mentioned in F60.30 Impulsive type must be present [see above], with at least two of the following in addition:

1. disturbances in and uncertainty about self-image, aims, and internal preferences (including sexual);
2. liability to become involved in intense and unstable relationships, often leading to emotional crisis;
3. excessive efforts to avoid abandonment;
4. recurrent threats or acts of self-harm;
5. chronic feelings of emptiness.

It is a requirement of ICD-10 that a diagnosis of any specific personality disorder also satisfies a set of general personality disorder criteria.

Differential diagnosis:

Common comorbid (co-occurring) conditions are mental disorders such as substance abuse, depression and other mood and personality disorders.

Borderline personality disorder and mood disorders often appear concurrently. Some features of borderline personality disorder may overlap with those of mood disorders, complicating the differential diagnostic assessment.

Both diagnoses involve symptoms commonly known as “mood swings.” In borderline personality disorder, the term refers to the marked lability and reactivity of mood defined as emotional dysregulation. The behavior is typically in response to external psychosocial and intrapsychic stressors, and may arise or subside, or both, suddenly and dramatically and last for seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks or months.

Bipolar depression is generally more pervasive with sleep and appetite disturbances, as well as a marked nonreactivity of mood, whereas mood with respect to borderline personality and co-occurring dysthymia remains markedly reactive and sleep disturbance not acute.

The relationship between bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder has been debated. Some hold that the latter represents a subthreshold form of affective disorder, while others maintain the distinctness between the disorders, noting they often co-occur.

Some findings suggest that BPD may lie on a bipolar spectrum, with a number of points of phenomenological and biological overlap between the affective lability criterion of borderline personality disorder and the extremely rapid cycling bipolar disorders. Some findings suggest that the DSM-IV BPD diagnosis mixes up two sets of unrelated items—an affective instability dimension related to Bipolar-II, and an impulsivity dimension not related to Bipolar-II.

It is important to emphasize that medical conditions which cause organic behavioral function may result in a clinical picture that mimics to some degree BPD. Hormonal dysfunction over a long period, or brain dysfunction (e.g. the encephalopathy caused by lyme disease) can result in identity disturbance and mood lability, as can many other chronic medical conditions such as lupus. These conditions may isolate the patient socially and emotionally, and/or cause limbic damage to the brain. However, this is not borderline personality disorder which results, but rather a reaction to the isolating circumstances caused by a medical condition and the possibly coincident struggles of the patient to control his or her mood given damage to the brain’s limbic system. Heavy alcohol usage over a long period itself can cause an encephalopathy which may cause limbic damage. Various frontal lobe syndromes can result in disinhibition and impulsive behavior.

Comorbid (co-occurring) conditions in BPD are common. When comparing individuals diagnosed with BPD to those diagnosed with other personality disorders, the former showed a higher rate of also meeting criteria for:[46]

* anxiety disorders
* mood disorders (including clinical depression and bipolar disorder)
* eating disorders (including anorexia nervosa and bulimia)
* and, to a lesser extent, somatoform or factitious disorders
* dissociative disorders
* Substance abuse is a common problem in BPD, whether due to impulsivity or as a coping mechanism, and 50 percent to 70 percent of psychiatric inpatients with BPD have been found to meet criteria for a substance use disorder, especially alcohol dependence or abuse which is often combined with the abuse of other drugs.

Inside her head, she has no place to go...

Links:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder-fact-sheet/index.shtml

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

http://www.stanford.edu/~corelli/borderline.html

Yes, please…

August 22, 2010

will you help her to get through this?

Well, sometimes I think I need the same,
Sometimes I think I need help.
That I should to try hard to completly forget about bad memories in general…
Sometimes I whish I could just live my life in the real world, doing normal stuff, like everybody does.
Sometimes I pray for my future even if it scares me lots.
But then suddenly I get back into myself (without any faith) and I remember what I did last time I tried to live in the real world!
So I don’t want or need it again…
You know what, being very honest, things are just too complicated to make them just ‘easy’;
too ‘easy’ to make them ‘right’ but not even ‘impossible’ to make it work out ‘perfectly’, as the way should be.
I know now it’s my turn to try to get over myself even though I still needing a computer to say this but there I go…
My sincerely appologies once again for all those one I hurt in the past.

Xxxx

The Secret Diary of my second life | part II

August 8, 2010

I sat here and started at an empty page for a good amount of time, trying to think of a confession to type up that do not involve you or that do not will hurt anyone else more than I’ve done.
And I will start with the fact that I couldn’t come up with anything…
I should deal with my silence, with my abstinence of you, with my fear to be all alone.
But I can’t and I hate to admit it!
I still think about you a lot, and I have no clue why!
Well, thinking better, I will allow myself to suppose the damn reason why…
It could be perhaps because I knew that we wasn’t meant to be,
Or because you don’t want me anymore.
Or ok, it’s perhaps because now I know deep inside how much I still hurt someone else with all this shit and I feel so sorry for him, at the same way as I feel so sorry for myself but especially for you as it was that kind of thing I couldn’t control at first.
[In fact I’ve never wanted, to be very honest…]
All this time since the last morning you were here with me I had lots of things that come and still in my mind now, what makes me instantly reminds me of you; and of those three wonderful nights we were together; and about the things I wished have happened between you and I.
Tonight I’m feeling like a bitch and I feel like everybody knows that!
But despite of the fact I have a bf; and despite the fact things I usually do isn’t so ‘right’ but not so certain ‘wrong too’ I keep going…
Well, I from tomorrow I will try to be the same I always was and do once again my best without the fear to be ‘ME’.
Whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore.
You has changed my life even being here with me just for a single while;
You changed me even without realize the power you had over me!
I wished you didn’t take advantage of everything, and I wished things were different now and ever.
Half of me will always wished have never met you and the other fifty percent is really glad to and will never forget you.
I’m splited as always, since I knew that I want all the time much more than I can take for myself.
Life isn’t so unfair at the end, the main problem is my excess of everything!
I wasn’t 100% honest at first and I wasn’t totally loyal with the one who seems to really love me, but I’m proud of my person to have had always the courage of telling the half of truth I can say to everybody.
From tonight to forever I’ve realized, I cannot have you to call ‘mine’; you always knew that I could never be only ‘yours’ more than I was. And we never have promise to each other impossible things and although I failed foresmost with myself since I still with my thoughts on you; keeping your taste in my mouth; your funny and good smell under my skin and it doesn’t help me to move forward and get back to my way because I’m not with you but you are all the time with me…
I hate myself but I will respect your decision even if it kills me a bit, I will do that also for the others happiness.
I’m reapeating to me “it will be simple, if you don’t want me anymore I cannot want you to want me too”…
One thing I have and I’m totally aware of, and it calls self-respect.
Good luck with everything because even if we don’t talk or want to see me never again, I know that you was really special into my weird way to living my life and deep inside of me…

Well, I always knew that you could never be more than just a few amazing nights.
Thanks Ale anyway for messing up my life and my bed with me!
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I'll miss his green eyes, and funny smell and the way he talked with me... but now the thing I most miss is the girl I used to be before have met him.

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#15/07 we first meet, you smiled at me and I could not believe you were there for me.
#19/07 you called me around midnight and came to my place, it was the first time we were together for a long period and I could watching you during all night while you were sleeping close to me. You kissed my nose and I ‘fell’ for you…
#23/07 you make me fool but I pretended I was ‘okay’, I waited for you for hours and you even cared.
#25/07 I made a wish for the Universe: you!
#28/07 you called me at 4h39am you couldn’t sleep alone, you were needing me and I said ‘come, I need you too’ and I have no regrets for all the things we did.
#01/08 I broke the rules and I sent you a message then you called me and I heared your voice…I didn’t knew yet it was the last time.
#07/08 the day I’ve decided to get up & go. From now I must to start definitly try to forget you forever, will be better for everybody!

Long hello, short goodbye I should know and from now I don’t need to cry for you anymore. In somehow you helped me to be even more stronger and sweet…

I’m sorry

April 11, 2010

—-> To those ones I have hurt and I will hurt and to those who will never know I hurt them:

I’m sorry
I’m sorry for everything
For what I did and didn’t do
For what I said and didn’t say too
For what I wanted and didn’t want
For what I wished and didn’t wish
I’m sorry if I wasn’t there when you needed
I’m sorry if I said the wrong thing or mistreated you in any way
I’m sorry that I didn’t have the modesty to recognize I was wrong
I’m sorry if I insulted you or your beliefs; if I laughed of you
I’m really sorry if I didn’t care that much about you as you ever done for me
I’m sorry if I forgot to say how important to me you was and how unforgettable you will always be
I’m sorry if I hurt you and I really really sorry for sooner or later do it with you
I’m sorry if I lied or cheated you
I’m sorry if I was cruel to you (even in my mind) or talked behind your back
I’m sorry if I made you waste your time and so sorry if I have disappointed you anytime
I’m sorry if I have always been so self-defensive for your taste
I’m sorry if I didn’t knew how to say ‘sorry’, and for never apologize to you
I’m really sorry if I negatively affected you in any way
I’m sorry for been always so overreactive, selfish or self-centered
I’m sorry if the only thing I would love was have listened to these words from you!
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Sorry if I'm what I'm

This post do not deserve your forgiveness
in case you had felt guilty; it was just inspired by the
novel I were reading ―
‘I said nothing to girl’ by Luke T. Bergeron