Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

Letters I’ll never send | See you soon

December 23, 2011

Tuesday, April 12, 2011
To: the best boyfriend at the time (and not that ‘best’ after all)

G.N.B., you are annoying, stubborn, self righteous, self pitying, infuriating, extremely jealous, complicated, sometimes too girly and an utter pain in my ass, but I love you.
I love the way you smile; the way you rub your hand through your hair when you’re nervous; the way you tell me stories with utter excitement; the way you laugh; the way you get angry; the way you speak; the way you slightly walk like a duck when you wear shorts and flip flops; the way you would do that thing with your face when I say something ridiculous or while explaining me that word I didn’t knew.
I love your kindness, your strength, your dedication and even your “I just don’t care.”
I love that you make me laugh so hard I cry.
I love the way you look at me and say “You’re gooooorgeous.”
I love the way we sit in each others company in content silence for hours.
I love our walks along the canal during the weekends.
I love that you keep the stupid things I give to you.
I love that you don’t know how perfect you are.
I love that you cover me with a blanket when I’m sleeping.
I love the sounds you make over the night.
I love that no matter how much time we spend apart and whomever we see in-between, everything always falls perfectly back in place.
I love that I know you are in my future.
I love that I love you.
But mostly I love that when I leave and am a thousand miles away from you that you never said goodbye… only “see you soon”.


Letters to him… | part XII

December 19, 2011

Tuesday, November 15, 2011 @19:59:56
To: The Boy I thought would make me believe in love.

I miss the way that we were so crazy about each other.
And I miss the normality that we never had in our long distance relationship.
I know you still love me but there’s something jaded about the way you treat me now. And there’s something in our conversations that keeps us from saying everything that we’d like to.
Being honest I don’t know if it’ll ever get that good again, I thought you only had hurt my pride but again you fucking broke my heart, too.
Nevertheless the only thing I know is that to me there’s no one like you and that I will love you until I can say no more…
I truly believe that we were meant for each other although nowadays it’s sadly clear that the glue we’d just didn’t stick anymore.
Oh boy, I wish I could make everything alright.
Our love used to be so strong that we felt each other’s love even being miles away from each other.
Whatever I wish you knew how much time I spend thinking about you. And how much time and effort I put in my days thinking of things to do to get “us” back together because I still believe that someday, somehow we will be happy together again.
I wish life had a fast-forward button…


Forever yours,


Right measure

December 15, 2011

There are things we hardly forget.
People we think are easily replaceable.
Relationships we throw away because we think it’s not worth our time and effort.
Then there are those that we can’t let go at all, no matter how bad the memories were. We hang on to them because when all is said and done, when people finally left and relationships weaken, memories are all we would ever have.
But life is all about balance.
Too much and too little can hurt.
The best way to balance life is by setting your boundaries in learning to say enough.
Although, sometimes we keep going back to the one thing we need to get away from…

One day

December 15, 2011

I want you to look back and miss me.
Miss everything that we experienced, everything we’ve been through.
I want to stand out in your mind.
And although I told everyone that we would always be together, I know eventually we won’t.
But as long as I was the one that changed you, I know it will all be worth it.
In the end, everything is perfect.
I want you to look back and miss me.
And one day, you will.

I’m not like anyone you’ve ever known and maybe that scares you a little bit. Because here you are, with me, a girl that actually cares for you, and for once in your life, you don’t know how to deal with that taking this for granted…


December 13, 2011

just let me take care of your wounds…

this may not be enough but at least I’m trying to

2011 reasons to forget

December 12, 2011

The year did not ended yet but I’m already done, actually I’m done with this shit since it started! Let me put things into perspective: 2011 was HELLISH for a lot of reasons, a waste of time and energy and I pray to forget most of my days… but first my year in review:

January: It was from far beyond the most promising month for the entire year! I started 2011 in London watching fireworks at The Weir with my lovely boyfriend. We celebrated the New Year’s Eve among friendly people, was an amazing start! G.N.B. and I were so in love that everyone could easily see it. We took gorgeous photos to never forget that night.

February: After an wonderful Valentine’s Day in London I was forced to handle over my adorable flat in Milan. Consequently I lost 50% of everything I had, including new stylish furniture just bought, MFW with all its clothes and glamour, I also lost clients and friends. I started to face legal issues with my staying in Italy. As a positive sign I’d the opportunity to improve my English while trying to fix my situation from London, living with boyfriend and it was a good trial for what we’d planned for the future. Despite the stress we did great that time.

March: On the 18th I left London flawing back to Brazil after a troubled but extraordinary 7 weeks living with boyfriend and his sister. I got used to have him 24/7 and I loved to know he was looking forward to have us settled down as soon as he bought his own flat. I was hopeful about my future. He was certainly of having me as the one in his life forever and ever. He told me what I needed to hear. I believed.

April: Being an ocean apart is not easy especially having enemies messing around spreading horrible rumours about my person. This was what I had, boyfriend and I falling apart by miles away, new lies almost every day plus hundreds of thousands of spam in our inboxes.

May: On the 20th I left Brazil and I flew back to London for my boyfriend’s birthday and extra weeks together before I go to collect my remaining belongings in Italy. Meanwhile we looked for flats and we went to the country side a few times. I was totally into his family and we did a lot of plans for the future. We forgiven ourselves and got back on track which was fabulous. Happy times.

June: On the 16th I became a nice, although Miguel was a premature babe my sister handle it well, I hated being over sea for the first time in my life. However I spent a fabulous time with the family I’d chose in Macerata-IT. From the 19th Diana, Maurizio e Linda filled in my days with happiness for 3 weeks! I made new friends and I went to the beach almost every day. I couldn’t be happier I was in acceptance with my current situation. Boyfriend travelled over there to visit me for 4 days staying. We argued for silly things…

July: I moved into a lovely new flat in Brentford with boyfriend. All was very exciting and fresh at the beginning but with him working crazy hours and me dedicating 6 days a week studying at home with no one else to talk, or share my doubts inevitably things turned into a hell very quickly. I was needy, he was stressed. Unexpectedly something got broken between us and we start to lose trust and that wonderful bond of being in love.

August: I did my IELTS test and I got my certification with proud but it wasn’t enough to apply for my visa. Deception. I also didn’t had the guts to celebrate my 28th birthday because to be honest the only thing I wanted was to die… Clearly depressed once again I saw myself becoming a monster. Yet I denied. I went from 53kg to 44,7kg in 5 weeks, I cut myself uncountable times, I cried myself to bed every night and I tasted the bittersweet taste of the “normal life between a young and immature couple with plenty of adjustments to be done”. I read 2 books in a month, more than 1100 pages in English and I carried on reading…

September: Books became my best friends apart from the guys and girls I’ve met online. I kept trying to be the perfect house-wife, cooking delicious meals every night, cleaning every day, ironing all his shirts to make sure he would have nothing to do over the weekends. I completely forgot about me and the things I liked to, plus I couldn’t properly make any plans as I was financially broken after 6 months without working. Sadly I realised that my relationship was going down sharply… I had my breakdown.

October: I flew back to Brazil with only one luggage of 23kg and boyfriend. It was quite exciting and a huge step for me to finally introduce him to my family. We spent a fantastic and lovely time in my homecountry, it was 4 days  in Rio de Janeiro and other 6 in my hometown Brasilia. It was good for both of us to reconnect and find the strength to carry on with our promising relationship (despite the problems we do great!). After the 16th I start seeing the wrong friends, I was going out almost every night, I got drunk and high A LOT and this was how I started to learn how to be here and not there… I also got a crap job which I quit after 7 days. The reason: simply because I deserved better than that. With a lot of spare time I started seeing a new psychiatrist mainly after my 3rd attempt of suicide. I wasn’t okay and I was alone.

November: Constant ups & downs filled out my days. I was harshly ignored by the love of my life and all my attempts of getting his attention back failed. He did just not hurt my pride but finally broke my heart by being so cruel. Hangovers became routine once again, I ended up twice my nights in a hospital room. Better later than ever on the 23th I slowly began to understand what real friends were trying to show me: – G.N.B. abandoned me when I most needed him, he was nothing but insensitive and fucking yeah selfish. Was tough but I finally learned once for all that I cannot count on anyone else but me. So I decided to love and fully accept my self being as the way I am. I will not deny that I thought would be easy to just break up with him, but true love isn’t about taking the easiest path so I forced myself to be patient and calm enough to wait for things to mend itself. Now I kinda see that he was hurt as well. Luckily we are still together (although steps back in our relationship) now re-learning how to stick once again. Family is everything and I got news that I wasn’t ready for. Two important people passed away and so far I did not understood how this worked on me. I’d help and support from a few good friends and I am really thankful for you all! Pedro, Teodoro, Michael, Leandro, Alie and Diego I do not even have words enough to thank you guys for trying to open my eyes, wipe my tears, listening to my silence, chat with me lately at night, tickle me expecting me to laugh. Thank you too for forcing me to eat and teach me how to breathe again. Thank you for being by my side even when I was wrong and for all those daily messages. And G., my love, I thank you too for making me even stronger.

December: Only more 3 weeks to go through this hell but now I dare to say that I am in peace with myself. I will not deny that it’s Monday and I’m not feeling 100%  however I still truly believe that very soon everything will be back in its right places. I miss “Home” oh, fuck yeah I really do! But right now I’m kind of enjoying vacations in Brazil.

2011 on a frame

A remarkable day

September 22, 2011


If I could have just one wish,
I would wish to wake up everyday to the sound of your breath on my neck,
the warmth of your lips on my cheek,
the touch of your fingers on my skin,
and the feel of your heart beating with mine…
Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone else other than you.

P.s: it has been good to be living together, sharing things, facing problems… I am glad to be yours, and I thank you for being mine!

It’s not you, it’s not me…nor either “us”

September 7, 2011

Firstly my apologies for my words but I need to spit this lump in my throat and to me there is no better way to do that but writing.

Perhaps I might be late, time has gone and now I start to see that everything is changed.
Most of time I miss the girl I used to be, I really do but far more than that I miss the boy I used to have as “the best boyfriend ever”.
Now seems that I am nothing more than an ordinary girl, just as all the others before. And so fair enough he is becoming the same thing for me in front of my eyes…

I feel powerless and quite often I have the weird sensation that I have been fighting for something that is already gone or too weak to survive in case I have to do this on my own.
But adjustments might take time and so I pray to be wrong once more for better.

I still believe that this is not the end although I know we are both tired of the same issues.
All I wanted was being able to put things back on track.
I honestly wish I could make him see again through all this ice.
I wish I could know what would be the best for us…
And more than everything I wish our bond was truly unbreakable.

Therefore, I feel sorry for both of us.
I feel sorry for no longer have the trust and courage we used to have.
I feel sorry regarding all our faults.
I feel sorry that conversations always turn into senseless arguments and that the gap between us is getting bigger and bigger over time.
I feel really sorry for have hurt you and being hurt in return.
I feel sorry if we can’t reconnect or get through these walls we built aiming self protection…
I feel sorry for you and me.

Last but not least, I have never thought l-o-v-e could be so pricy.
I still believe in all those kind words one day we wrote to each other emphasising the “I really do!”

I need someone to guide me through all this shit

I still believe…

P.S: I am not afraid to try over and over I just don’t want to keep walking on a road which:
1) I will have to cross all alone.
2) won’t lead me anywhere further than where I could go on my own.

Day Fourteen

March 1, 2011

It’s time to listen to my heart instead of seeking miracles.
It’s done…
I’m sick of hearing from the others* (please read * as Embassies and Authorities) the same advice* (incorrect information).
If there’s no other way to solve it, so ok I accept the hardest way… and actually this is exactly what my heart has been telling me to do since this afternoon.

I had an important conversation with the most important person in my life and YES, HE IS IN!
So from now besides myself no one else’s opinion matters… My apologies to my friends who think they know how I should feel or what I should do with my life but this is my decision and it will be me who will live with the consequences that my actions will bring.
I’m not feeling unsuccessful but of course all of this has been a bit frustrating. Anyway, I’m going back to where I come from for a  little while but just because I want to be able to go even further with my future. And yes my future includes him!
Funny how things are, nothing happens without a reason and deep inside of me I always knew that love deals with anything even across the ocean.

Well this time I am willing myself to not let it drown or fade away. It will be not easy to carry on fighting for our future but I think we will survive after all. I honestly believe in my feelings for him so I shouldn’t be afraid to jump into this even if to do this it is necessary to stay apart for a short period of time…
I’m gonna stick out the long distance thing, I mean, I will keep myself focused on positive things to raise me up as we both really want it to last forever.
So now it is time to be stronger once again and pass another test.
I’m gonna stop looking at this like a problem and instead welcome it as an obstacle that I am gonna overcome and prove to everyone just how strong we really are, how strong I became after all.
Who knows, maybe while this is going on I can figure out what to really do with my life (even though we spoke about it and  we both want the same thing) and find out things I never knew about myself.
Who knows what the future can bring and what is in store for us!

I’m a bit lost but I’m not alone!

Day Nine

February 24, 2011

We woke up slowly, I got myself out of bed early just to make him some company before he went to the office.
No Starbucks today, I was “allowed” to spend the whole day in his flat, sending my emails and making some more phone calls in order to solve my problem. It’s silly but I still feel weird about being here without him…
The weather was nice, but it didn’t made such a difference, not at least for me.

Well later on during the day, if wasn’t enough to have the permanent sensation of being “out of place” this afternoon I also started to feel completely “lost in thoughts” just because of his gently insistence about bring back my past to me.

(No, thank you! Ops it was already too late for…)

Hopefully after all once again we could survived. I think as he said we have reached a level above, strong enough to talk about and carry on with our relationship that finally now seems that nothing or nobody can break us down.
We trust so much to each other and I just love it!
I will not deny that I was expecting something much worse than it was, but he once again surprised me being so mature and cute and perfect…

He told me things I’ve never thought I’d hear from him before and I definitely wish to be able to never disappoint his expectations.

Still I strongly defend the theory that nobody can truly be happy either in the present or in the future while chasing for past evidence but it’s now up to him to decide about it.
Thinking about the past and searching through it is just another way to get hurt and its twice as painful.

Anyway, despite of all these problems we have been a great couple and I cannot ever imagine my life without him…
My future is still scaring me a lot but it seems that I’m not alone anymore!
And that’s all that I have to say…

Hello Alone!

October 11, 2010

It’s been a bit and I’m sorry for my absence… I missed you too! Well actually I’ve missed lots of things but that’s not an excuse for me being so careless with people I love.
I’m sorry not just about this but also about of my paranoia and all these days wasted on useless thoughts and stupid actions! I should already know that instead of keep things to myself what I need to do is release them, but for some reason seems that I just cannot do this as everybody does and that’s not healthy and it’s so annoying…
Honestly I wish I could learn quickly how to deal better with my feelings. But I suppose I need to be more patient knowing up front that it will be a long way, just in case if you’re wonder.
Believe me when I say that more than everyone else I wish I could break through this once for all and just be able to be happy without have to own a reason for. But this is one of my faults that may take more of my attention to be ‘fixed’… There are times that I hate the fact I’m always ‘thinking’ and I hate the way how my thoughts turns suddenly into worries and tears and how I get hurt and end up hurting too and start to feel myself so lost!
Anyway, now is already Monday morning something about 05h00 and I’m feeling a little better now and as I mainly believe, good things were made to be shared I’ve decided to make public one of the messages I got yesterday from a good friend. So I do expect that after all this I can have helped you as well as she did with me.

By the way, thank you so much my dear Alie, not just for being my good friend but also for your lovely words… Never forget how amazing you are!

10 October, at 16h06 she wrote to me:
It made a lot of sense, actually.
I understand what you’re saying, because I do a lot of the same. It can get really painful. And once one thing starts, everything just piles up after it. You interpret something one way, and then from there on out you keep interpretting stuff that way and pretty soon everything is hurting and you’ve convinced yourself that you’re going to get hurt. And it’s scary, because we love so unconditionally that it would be entirely possible for us to get hurt… E.g: I’ll just sit and I listen to music and I listen to everything and it all reminds me of him, and then I’ll worry, and I’ll worry more, and I will have worried so much that by the time we actually DO get to talk, I’ve come up with all these scenarios in my head of how I’m not good enough and how it’s going to end painfully, and then I waste what could have been a nice conversation being paranoid and sad. And I hate it, but it’s unavoidable sometimes.
Like you said, sometimes it’s impossible not to feel that way! Then there are those conversations where you know everything is fine and you feel sorry for ever feeling sad or worrying, but it always comes back when you’re alone again at night. And then you start to feel like you’re the one that cares more. It’s not that they care less, it’s just that you feel that it’s literally all you’re doing and thinking about, and then everything else is passing you by, but not for them. But I think it’s all mental stuff.
Well, I don’t know if any of this helps, but we seem to have some similar thoughts and I thought that maybe you think this way sometimes too and maybe it’s nice to know that you don’t have to be alone in it and that it’s rough but you’ll always have somebody to talk to about it. And yeah, like you said, it’s hard for the risk of getting hurt, but it’s something that has to be accepted for the risk of love. Especially distance love. Aaah distance...
But I can definitely understand why you’re feeling the way you do, though. But stuff will get better, I know it will. And you’re really strong.
And I’m always here to listen.
xoxo ♥



Things I promised myself never to forget...


Unforgettable: I´m

August 14, 2009

We can shake it all around
We can go up and down
We can lose what we found
But you can’t ignore me
You can go to west and I can go to east
You can trip all around or try to get away from reminders
And I can go to the doctor
But you can’t ignore me
We can laugh, we can cry
We can live or we can die
Spend our days asking why?
But you can’t ignore me
Now I´ll open my world for every boy and every girl
I´ll be more that you can be
I´ll surprise you
As long as you are free
We were blind and now I see
That you lost me, baby.
You can try, but you can never forget me!
So, why you ignore me?
I know how it ends.