A curve in the space

He knew why he wanted to kiss her.
Because she was beautiful.
And before that, because she was kind.
And before that, because she was smart and funny.
Because she was exactly the right kind of smart and funny.
Because he could imagine taking a long trip with her without ever getting bored.
Because whenever he saw something new and interesting, or new and ridiculous, he always wondered what she’d have to say about it—how many stars she’d give it and why.

Heartache | When L.O.V.E isn’t enough

It’s hard and it’s really sad when you realize that love isn’t enough.
You can love him/her with all of your heart, you can hope all you want that everything is going to work out.
But there comes that painful moment in life when you realize that sometimes… love isn’t enough.
It’s going to kill you to know that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try it just can’t work out.
No matter how much you deny or how much you hide it, it’s just not enough.
Somewhere, somehow along the way in your relationship things fall apart and it can never go back to how it used to be.
You try and try but it’s not enough.
You wish, you hope, you pray, but it’s not enough.
You might even give the relationship a second go, a third, fourth, fifth time… but it’s different.
You’re changed. You’re not the person you were before.

You are hurt and somehow no matter how you place the pieces, they don’t fit.
You try everything to fix things but they just don’t fit.
And it’s not the same.
The heart aches…

…

Dirty Little Secret

You don’t expect these things to happen.
No one asks to be alone.
Some get used to it,
Some pretend to be used to it,
And others are a walking work of destruction.
They never saw it coming, and neither did I,
But I won’t tell you that…

05/07

04/07

Hello Depression…

 

 

there we go again…

 

I’m not lost, I’m confused…

Sometimes at night I suddenly become aware of all the things I’m missing out on right now,
And all the people who I’m not close to anymore,
And all of the good times that will never happen again,
And all the people who meant the world to me who have forgotten about me forever,
And I get this awful feeling that’s kind of like a mix between loneliness and nostalgia.

.:Far too gone:.

Letters to Myself… | part IV

Dear future me,

Good luck with dating.
I hope when you have read this you aren’t feeling downtrodden, guilty or lonely anymore just because some asshole mucked things up in your past.
You’re better than that so don’t give a shit for what people’s saying and just carry on distracting yourself.
Do whatever you want to do and with whom you judge worthy of a piece of you!
You know, it might sound rough but I always knew that “monogamy and commitment” wasn’t quite for you…
However I am truly happy to see you taking your chances.
But more than that, I content and proud to see that you leave the past in the past.

Yeah babe, that’s the way we rule!

xoxo,
the old you

…

Chapter 2

Motherhood is the only experience in life that will allow you to truly get in touch with your inner self, and that is why it is damn scary. But don’t be afraid my darling, what is forged in fire is stronger than fear.

Blessed be. Blessed me.

172/365

He’s talking about getting married while I’m thinking about running away…

.:

A place without expectation:

Sadly, it’s much easier to create a desert than a forest.

.

Let’s try

…

Letters to Myself… | Part VI

My darling Carol,
I want you to read and truly believe in these words below.
Have a little faith in destiny.
And you will see that in the end we’re gonna be fine.
I love me, and I know you do too.

Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
Look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
Think only of the best, work only for the best, and expect only the best.
Forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
Give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
Live in the faith that the whole world is on your side so as long as you are true to the best that is in you!

Forgive. Forget. Move on.

Early this morning I saw the woman who gave me birth.
She was on the other side of the street and she came to talk to me.
(…)
I haven’t seen her since I can’t remember when.
A very few superficial words were exchanged though.

Very odd, mechanic almost…
(…)
Other than that, no hugs or kisses.
No emotions at all.
(…)
Today I proved myself that nobody, not even her, have the power to hurt me no more.

Things I’ve been doing lately:

-crying
-laughing
-reading
-writing
-thinking about sex
-cutting (DSH)
-eating a lot
-then not eating at all
-abusing alcohol
-spending crazy hours on skype / online
-going back and forth
-not sleeping enough
-then forcing myself to sleep alot
-being at hospitals
-hanging out with strangers
-avoiding friends
-going to karaokes and weird parties
-postponing important meetings
-being a catastrophe in real life
-disappointing people and get disappointed
-being happy
-being extremely sad
-arguing
-missing the old times
-being self-suficient
-being cruel and kind at the same time
-reading more books
-falling asleep while watching movies
-watching to a bunch of different Tv Shows without concluding any
-downloading stuff
-playing video game
-enjoying porn
-baking and cooking
-spending crazy hours at the gym
-then avoiding to go to the gym
-smoking pot
-listening to music
-skiping terapy sessions
-telling the truth (even if it hurts)
-taking pictures
-spending nights out
-gaining weight and then losing it
-getting inked
-drinking liters of water
-smoking cigars
-using my credit card more than I should
-approaching people in a clumsy way
-writing but not publishing
-banning people online
-exercising
-being lazy
-planning vacations
-changing my plans
-talking alot
-then not saying a word
-posting on private mode
-drinking tea and coffee without sugar
-forgetting to set alarms
-drawing on walls
-dealing with assholes
-swearing more than the usual
-lying to myself
-counting down the days
-basically nothing really important rather then breathing…

.:don’t chase anything but drinks and dreams:.

My thrill is gone. (Say I’m wrong)

Being a borderline feels like eternal hell.
Nothing less.
Pain, anger, confusion, never knowing how I’m gonna feel from one minute to the next.
Hurting because I hurt those whom I love.
Feeling misunderstood.
And empty most of time.
Nothing gives me pleasure.
Wanting to die but not being able to kill myself because I’d feel too much guilt for those I’d hurt, and then feeling angry about that…
So I cut myself or abuse of substances to make all those feelings go away.

Sorry not sorry, but it is what it is, a never ending cycle.

.:healing | Days without cutting: 04:.

Letters to Myself | part V

Dear future me,
I hope you’ve found yourself.
By the time I wrote this to you, sometime in 2011, you were so lost, so needy and so miserable that anyone could see how troubled your life was going.
I’m so sorry if I abandoned you…
I’m so sorry for everything I put you through, you deserved better… far better than everything you had last year.
Sorry if I lied to you making you believe in such stupid fairytales.
Sorry if I forced you to stay longer than you should be into another sick relationship that would change yourself forever.
Sorry if I told you to never give up on boys…
I was wrong.
Well, I’m not sure if your (my) heart is totally mended by now or if you’ve decided to give another chance to love. I bet yes knowing you as I do…
You look and sound happy with this new guy you found, I’m happy for us!
However it goes pls do not forget to love yourself at first!
Trust no one.
Take risks if you must to but never ever again forget to love yourself.
You’re awesome! You really are a beautiful and unique lady.
And you’re absolutely gooooorgeous despite all your scars.
I love you, I really do although sometimes I seems not to.
Please for our own sake, stop doubting yourself!
True love might already have found you, be patient with this new guy, don’t chase him, don’t be afraid to get out there and fight for everything you plan to build with him, despite any critices always follow the sound of your heart.
Be ready, because eventually you will get hurt once again. So this time don’t give him so much control, right?
Though always in every single day remain yourself.
Be loving, be caring…
I know it’s hard for us but believe me, no matter how much you love people don’t become dependent on them.
“A hungry dog doesn’t get feed…”
So don’t be needy or clingy. Make them come to you, you’ve this power so use it!
Last but not least remember there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
Take your chances.
Forget your past.
Stay classy,
Take care of me.

With all my love,
the old you

❤