Chapter 2

November 30, 2016

Motherhood is the only experience in life that will allow you to truly get in touch with your inner self, and that is why it is damn scary. But don’t be afraid my darling, what is forged in fire is stronger than fear.

Blessed be. Blessed me.

One image: zillions of emotions that I cannot put into words…

November 2, 2016

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Retrospective 2015

December 28, 2015

And here I go for the 3rd year in a row. Hope you enjoy!

January: Its been a while since Italy had a real winter…January was freezing and humid this I can’t deny but snow was something to be found only at the mountains…and so I went there with my fiancée and cats to spend some time far away from the urban chaos. Back to civilization it was time to close a deal with florist and décor for the weeding.

February: I carried on doing my beauty routine with my plastic surgeon and very competent esthetician. Hyaluronic acid shots and nose job scheduled for the end of the month. I was excited and anxious at the same time. About my job things were going slow and I wasn’t on the mood for small talking and stuff. I find myself hiding at cat shelters as being at home wasn’t being so healthy. Rings to be exchanged on the wedding ceremony bought and they are gorgeous!!! I never thought I would love so much this tiny metal circles…and I couldn’t wait to wear mine!

March: emotional roller-coaster due to my surgery. The post-op. was bananas, no pain or rainbow bruises just some normal swollen on my face but inside I was cracking. Cracking with anxious and fear, scared with everything and nothing all at once. For some weird and I guess very common reason the first time I saw myself without the cast I wanted to cry, not of joy but of despair! I tried to hold on my tears as I was in front of the medical team. Once I got home and on the shower I cried my eyes out. And I carried on crying for the two following weeks… Mid march and I finally started to see some actual result because until that I was looking like some freak show – huge face very small nose. Now I’ve a slim bridge and half of all that I used to have, its petit, it’s pretty and it has only to become better and better with months to come. Final and full recover for a nose job is 9 to 14 months after surgery! Now I only had to be patient.

April: It was more than time to get back to work and get back to life! It was time to run and run to recover the time that I’d lost. But I was going in slow motion, taking easy with work, taking easy with life in general. I started to play with some make-up and hair styles and most of the time that did me good. I get back in touch with a few real friends for lunches and random dinners but nothing further than that. I was still feeling like a claw enjoying being at home with my fluffs. My lovely fiancée moved out as he got promoted on his job and had to change city. Part of me was pure joy the other half was kind of feeling lost. But then hey I realized that sleeping through the entire night without being bothered at all was once again magical and then everything was great. Thanks to technology distances doesn’t exists.

May: It was a very hectic and stressed month, I worked hard and I worked a lot. I almost lost my grip… With the wedding planning OH MY GOSH, why some people are so stupid?! Never mind, I fired some folks and did things myself. And you know what I discovered myself being a hell of a wedding planner! I was happy every day with my new nose and I was happy with myself.

June: it was time to slow down again because I was living for work and that cannot be healthy! On the 6th Matilda arrived, yeah now I’ve a baby cat at home and a total of 3 fantastic companions for life to look after and stay in touch with reality. Matilda (or Matta) was under 400gr and she already melted my heart! Momo got jealous but Mia seemed to don’t care much about the intruder. A week later they were all sleeping in bed with me.

July: The month passed in a blink. Lots of things were in motion: a hundreds of goodbyes as I was living soon Milan for good, troubles was tones of infinite packing. That was the month I did the most of my voluntary work as well at the cat shelter. I wanted to work and get things done but at the same time I was postponing at the most. Fittings and other few things regarding the wedding were to be done and so the critical month arrived.

August: Goodbye comfort zone, goodbye all the things that I used to know so well. My birthday was ok, not as I wanted or had planned but still kind of better than the previous year though. If I could I would simply ignore the 15th of the month…but I had to smile and pretend I was enjoying this all just so to do not upset anyone else that was welcoming so well. I hate new things, I hate getting old and I kinda hate neighbors living too close… Gladly August did not last forever either by birthday.

September: And so the most expected month of the year has arrived and with it friends and family. I still cannot believe that I was able to bring next to me such a wonderful group of amazing people. Yes I do not have many of my own but no doubts they are the best people in the world! We ate a lot, we laugh a lot too and I wasn’t used to that! The weekend the precede the D-Day was harsh, not too much sleeping time for any of us, little bumps literally on the road as on the Wednesday I went to Piacenza to collect my dress and I had dropped size once again, so it was fixed last minute. On the way back the car decided to stop working and cross the autobahn doing only 30km/h was a joke but still we all had fun! The Thursday I’ve no recollect at all of the entire day but mine told me days later that I was doing a show: crying for no reason, paying lunch and ordering all the deserts on the menu for everybody…and a few other crazy things like that. Yes as it seems I was out of my mind! Friday was easy I slept a lot and then went to bed very early if considering that my normal time was around 4 at the morning. And so arrived Saturday the 26th, the sun was shining, the birds were singing, my bouquet was dreamy and I was surrounded by the right ones by all meanings! I did my own makeup and I was looking gorgeous all dressed up as a bride, the dress didn’t fit perfectly because I’d dropped a little more on my weight on the last 3 days or should I say months?! (Anyways I guess I was something around 42kg!). The photographers arrived, the videomaker arrived, friends arrived, all my family was looking happy and I was feeling like never before! The ceremony was beautiful, I cried and I felt something. The reception was amazing and have had all that staff working for me was like being queen for a day. I’d lots of fun, I did relaxed and as I can recall so everybody else. There wasn’t a thing that was wrong. At the end we went home near 4am and I break my record on heels – whoop whoop – 13 straight hours on a 6 inch heel. Once home before I fell asleep I did my duties. The month ended with me and my cousins enjoying Milan and also that day was priceless.

October: well it was time to say goodbye to my folks and I didn’t like a bit of it…its hard when you get used to feel comfort again…Anyways back to the real world it was time to apply for my permanent Italian papers and so I did with no fussy. After that I decided to turn blond and I become great friend with my crazy neighbor. Apparently we are alike – two crazy cat ladies.

November: the month started with me not yet pregnant… but that was okay as there is no reason to hush. The not so okay part was all the pimples and other ewww things on my face as I am no longer using my pills. So I’m not used to be again a teenager but this time of 32y.o with all that hormones going crazy. Anyways, on the bright side, after years of denying I finally start to enjoy driving and my car is fierce! Its a 4×4 with all the optional included and hey its huge and I love that I feel safe inside, now I need to order my stick to put on that is going to say “e mò che hai suonato…canta”, my husband hates the idea but I laugh all the time I think about that. My cats got the flue around the end of the month and that wasn’t a nice time, I felt sorry for them. I was still blond and getting blonder because I plan to get it all grey… As far as I could say I was getting some weight on, which I guess is good.

December: I hate Christmas time and I can’t understand why the suddenly happy and joy atmosphere… The world is a mess, crises and war everywhere but still people stop to play dumb for a while ignoring the real deal. Anyways so I play ready to welcome a 2016 like never before! Come on, come out I am here for you!

Chapter 1

October 21, 2015

For the boy who first moved my mouth into a O.
For the one who taught me how to play a fake guitar.
For the one who still reminds me of cuts and cries.
For the one who was too afraid to kiss – I hope you are all fingers tangled in hair, all mouth on mouth.

For the one who was a waste of money and time but was so important, if only to teach me that I deserve sunlight-on-bone warmth.
For the summer fling, the chlorine daze, the lazy afternoons together.
For the one who ran dusty with me in open fields at dusk – I hope you are all keeping promises and living happily ever after.

For the one today, please keep on going slow, we are married now but I still am terrified of you being another thing I have to regret.
I loved, and it felt like danger.
I loved, and I wasted seven of my lives.
I love you so and it is a miracle.

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Retrospective 2014

January 4, 2015

I’ll not deny that since I met the man I’m going to marry I can’t complain a thing about life. Every time I tried to give up on anything he is there supporting me and making me see through it all. Better than that 2014 was an intense and rewarding year by all meanings. Let’s remember it:

January: a cold month that was over before it really starts. The New Yearss Eve I spend with my lovely fiancée having dinner at a Japanese restaurant and then at home watching fireworks from our terrace with our cat, very cozy. Then after an entire semester away from University due to personal issues it was time to get back. It felt weird but it was the right thing to do.

February: I wasn’t sure if I was going on the right track with my professional life, business was going great but I was feeling terrible, thanks god I’ve a great fiancée and a very affectionate cat to look after me and put me up when the only thing I want to do is to go down. I started planning the wedding and I started by searching for my perfect gown to then decide the type and style of the ceremony.

March: Winter has finally arrived with a considerable delay this year. It was damn cold and that didn’t help…still I carried on with University and work and everything else. I did something I’ve never done before, I voluntarily booked flight tickets to visit my family in Brazil on the summer and I was excited about it.

April: After have technically found ‘the dress’ I spent basically the hole month in bed due to personal problem, which I guess is strongly related to some sort of stress bad management…Constantly visiting the E.R I was missing a lot of classes and jobs… Fianceé travelling a lot so thanks to my cat I could overcome depression.

May: Things were fabulous, I couldn’t complain. The wedding planning was going smooth; my future mother in law was helping me with tips of what to do and where to start. Then a new cat entry in our lives and it’s an adorable little female that fianceé and I decided to call “Mia” that means be mine in italian.

June: Well well my business wasn’t going as I was expecting… World Cup in Brazil… Finals at the University and getting closer to my graduation… At this point my diet was practically only chocolate and water which isn’t any good for anyone.

July: It started with the neutralization of Mia, Brazil losing the title to Germany and it was like 7×1… Despite that I was feeling great with myself and the rest of the world. I got my wedding shoes and right after that I decided to buy my stunning Inbal Dror wedding gown. Whoop! Whoop! Because I deserve haute couture.

August: The weather was crazy in Italy, it supposed to be hot as hell but it wasn’t. In any case it was time to spend short vacations in Brazil, this time under three weeks with some invitations to handle personally, family and friends to see and of course some documents to request as I’m going to get married abroad… I missed my lovely fiancée and cats a lot but was worth it. Best of all I enjoyed my family at its fullest this time.

September: And so I was back in Italy, to my fiancée arms and cats prrrrr. Everything seemed exactly as it was. New things to be done for the weeding, getting married is like the more I plan the more I have to plan and with that the month passed in a blink of an eye.

October: Bridal fairs and vendors to see, a few contracts started to be signed and a big gift from my in laws. They are amazing!

November: It was a bureaucratic month; that is all I can remember being in line here and there, taxes everywhere.

December: I guess this was the 3th best month of the year for so many reasons! I am now 97% done with University. It was my granny’s 84th and she is in great health. I decided to start treatments anti-aging and I’m loving it without mention the I’m very tempted to do some plastic surgery as well. My wedding gown arrived and other than met Randy Fenoli in person (yes the guy from the “Say yes to the dress” TV show) I could also give a small interview to Vogue Sposa. Very funny and frivolous this 5min of fame hahaha. But now as a bride to be I couldn’t be happier!!! Then I’d expectacular vacations and not even the extraction of my wisdom teeth (both superior and all at once) ruined it a bit. 2014 ended with a promise of actually better years to come and I’m excited as never before.

2015 I’m more than ready for you so don’t disappoint me!

And so it is finally time to leave the past in the past.

October 11, 2014

artwork-Forgive-Forget-Move-On

Bye-bye 10 years of guilty…

 

Editing, unlinking…hell this will take a while

June 23, 2014

and yes as usual I’m already messing up with posts. Fuck this shit sucks… Note to self: never again write too much about just one subject!!! Well, well, I’m not even sure why I still keep this blog on, perhaps its just for the sake of my alter ego (?). Boh… Anyways it’s AWESOME to look back and see how much I’ve improved.

To my remaining followers sorry for the mess.

 

 

 

 

σπεῦδε βραδέως

January 1, 2014

So 2014 has already started and I’m not feeling it yet…
It shall be because of the motto that I deliberately choose for the year, that is FESTINA LENTE.
I want things to go slow as slow is smooth and smooth is fast. Yeah I can’t wait for 2014 to be already gone…

More 364 days to go and counting down.
Happy whatever you’re hoping for!
Xxx

SAVE THE DATE

October 5, 2013

Creative-Save-The-Date-Wedding-Invitation-Design-01

September 10, 2013

Less than three months to the end of the year and so far I just wrote four posts (well, five if we count this one).
And I think I should be proud and ashamed at the same time.
Proud because I started to share the important things only with the ones that matters most and ashamed because after all I may not be the passionate blogger I thought I was. (my Tumblr actually doesn’t count…)
Anyway… in a practical way I’m now reading a lot more than writing and it’s due to the acknowledgement that after all it’s better to hear than to talk.

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172/365

June 21, 2013

He’s talking about getting married while I’m thinking about running away…

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A place without expectation:

May 24, 2013

Sadly, it’s much easier to create a desert than a forest.

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Disremembering

March 25, 2013

 

“When the remembering was done, the forgetting could begin.”

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Essa serie fotografica faz parte de um dos meus projetos de final de semestre no Master. Além desta sequencia existem ainda outras 4.

O projeto ainda nao tem um nome, mas penso que a ideia nao seja muito dificil de ser entendida (se voce se esforçar). Basicamente em poucas palavras eu jogo com o fato que a fotografia serve, desde a sua origem, como um registro da historia. Um registro de algo que, mesmo nao sendo por vezes 100% verdadeiro, é estato indiscutivelmente ali presente na frente da camera.

O fogo em inumeras culturas serve como elemento purificador, sendo assim o ato de queimar essas “memorias visivas” parece ganhar ainda mais força, atestando a superaçao de tal processo. No entento o twist desse projeto esta no ato de registrar tal açao. Enfatizando a nao mais existencia de tal memoria ou fato; uma lembrança de um esquecimento total. Um perfeito registro de uma açao cancelatoria, de uma segunda chance de re-escrever o passado, nessa continuaçao de sequencias que se repetem…

The perks of being a wallflower

January 4, 2013

I can’t wait to read this book… actually right now I can’t wait for a lot of things to happen!
This time I’ve been doing all the right things (which is far beyond of the best I can be) because as I said before, for the first time, I’m optimistic of what is yet to come.
I wish you all a late happy new year.

I don’t know if I will have the time to write anymore letters because I might be too busy trying to participate.
So if this does end up being the last letter I just want you to know that I was in a bad place before I started high school and you helped me.
Even if you didn’t know what I was talking about or know someone who has gone through it, you made me not feel alone.
Because I know there are people who say all these things don’t happen.
And there are people who forget what it’s like to be 16 when they turn 17.
I know these will all be stories someday.
And our pictures will become old photographs.
We’ll all become somebody’s mom or dad.
But right now these moments are not stories.
This is happening, I am here and I am looking at her.
And she is so beautiful.
I can see it.
This one moment when you know you’re not a sad story.
You are alive, and you stand up and see the lights on the buildings and everything that makes you wonder.
And you’re listening to that song and that drive with the people you love most in this world.
And in this moment I swear, we are infinite.

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Retrospective 2012

December 30, 2012

January – The year started with a lot of work to be done. I was emotionally destroyed but dogged to don’t let any of my dreams die. Desperate situations call for desperate measures, so once again I did what I had to do. With no complains I worked my ass off focusing on my targets. Within 4 weeks I was standing back on my feet better than ever and at the top of the world. I rented a nice place to myself and as usual I restarted from the beginning. I was ready for everything except to meet the man that would change my entire life…

February – I enjoyed every second of it. I was happy as I never was. I was settled. The weather was cold but my heart was warmed. Francesco slowly got into my plans taking a special place inside my heart.

March – Things were great and so after pondering a lot I invited Francesco to move in. A week after that I was officially presented to his parents and our weekends were mostly spent at Rasiglio and Bologna. I got used to be loved once again and I’d no secrets to hide, not this time.

April – My sentimental life was perfect and my business was doing awesomely awesome. As nothing comes for free unexpectedly my family needed me back home. So I quit my job and I flew back to my country.  I lost someone very close that I rather not to comment about… Anyways it was time to heal and to reconstruct a few bonds that were loose.

May – I spent my time over there supporting my family, collecting the pieces, going to the gym, seeing old friends and as far as I remember on Skype with Francesco… I missed him and I missed “our nest” very very much.

June – I can’t recall much of what happened and I think it’s best this way… For what I can say I was partying hard what made me lose just not a lot of weigh but also some of my track.

July – My last days at my homeland was as I like to call “normal”. After a while we were all done of each other, they couldn’t wait for me to be gone and so didn’t I. Arguments became the new good morning and it affected me more than I could handled. I was being so unlucky that I found by chance my biological mother on street. I wanted to die and another attempt was marked on my failed score. Right after that, I took the first flight back to Italy without even search for better deals. And it was the best for everyone…

August – Being home was awkward for both of us during the first days. I was what they call “recovering” and everything was weird. My love was very patient with me all along the way and I’m truly grateful for that. The night of the shooting stars (Notte di San Lorenzo) on the 11th was magical… Right after that we planned last minute vacations and it felt like honeymoon! He took me to amazing places and he did everything in his power to that become my best vacations ever. This year I’d an amazing birthday, perfection defines. It was so great that I was happy about being at the beach!

September – Backing to civilization I did my acceptance test to start my third post-graduation and I got 4 of 5 votes. I started a Master course in Cinema at IULM but within weeks I knew that that wasn’t for me. I slowly started becoming depressed again (in fact I think I haven’t recovered well backing in time). Anyways it was a tough month where I couldn’t find a place to be. At home I remember playing housewife a lot, I tried to fill my days by trying to be “perfect”.

October – Francesco and I decided to adopt a kitten. We agreed that it was a good thing for me as I was feeling lonely because of his late hours at the office. Nick lived with us for almost two amazing and very happy weeks till his premature death… I was heartbroken once again… Meanwhile a good friend of mine came to visit me. Michael originally from Great Britain travelled from Berlin to Milan to spend a long weekend with us. For my surprise the boys did great together and it made me very proud of my choice this time. I showed Michael  the city I love in a way I haven’t done yet – We parted and got drank and talked and walked a lot too! He cheered me up and that helped me to see things through. I realised that I like cinema but I do love photography… so I was decided I was going to change University and course!

November – With a delay of one month and a half I convinced the President of the Institute and the Coordinator of the course that I was the type of student that they were looking for! I did my second admission test and once again I was accepted with honours to study Photography & Fine Arts. I was feeling very proud of myself, proud of my abilities, content with life in general! I was about to start studying something that I love in a place that I liked with people that seemed to be just like me – a bunch artists trying to find a place in the sun! I can say that I was finally at the right place.

December – The month started with paramedics at home, and this time it wasn’t my fault but it was due to a spinal block… The MRI accused that I’ve a huge hernia between the L4 and the L5. Awesome to do not say FML! Over ten days in bed, no school, no fun. The selling became my closest friend and I felt bad for my love that had to do everything for the both of us – from shower to cooking. After that with strong meds I started to recovering my moves so slowly I get back to my activities. I went to school, I hang out with colleagues, I was once again having fun. Things at home was settled and Francesco and I survived to another “end of the world” laughing a lot about it. The Christmas week was spent in Bologna and I can comfortably say we were all in family even though I missed my own ones… Once back to Milan good news arrived from Brazil! My little sister told me that next year I’m going to become an auntie of two and this time we are all hoping for a baby girl but if not another baby boy will be more than welcome as well! I’m excited about life and about the future in general. As weird as it sound I know that this time the best is yet to come!

2012